So, you want to hold space?
Being a human lighthouse.
No one who had a successful surgery rushes to offer surgeries shortly thereafter, yet well meaning people whose life has been touched by psychedelics or a related practice, so often do just that. Being in service is a wonderful sentiment which I deeply support, I in fact hold that self work mustn’t end with the Self, yet transitioning to a space holding role is a process that is not to be rushed.
When people ask: “How do I become a space holder?” My answer often begins with a version of: “Step zero: Get really well.”
I wrote here before about emotional hygiene, which is a practice not limited to space holders. This one is for y’all who (wish to) hold space in some professional capacity.
Lighthouses
Holding space in any professional, responsible, and sustainable capacity is much like becoming a human lighthouse.
A lighthouse is coastal tower that emits light to guide ships safely through dangerous waters and into harbor—once essential for navigation, now a backup to electronic systems and a symbol of guidance.
To work effectively, lighthouses need two things:
Light. A very bright one.
House, whose foundations run deeeeep.
When we aspire to be lighthouses to others, we often focus on the first, the shiny bright light part. It’s the sexier part of its name and function, after all.
Bright light is needed. When light travels through water, water molecules scatter the light and absorb it. The deeper the water, the more the light fades. So yes—shine bright, baby. And.
When we look at lighthouses, what we don’t see is the less glamorous part. The pilings that are drilled deep into the earth, anchoring the structure through tides and storms while water and sand constantly shift beneath it. That crucial part is also often overlooked when becoming a human lighthouse.
When we see a practitioner of the healing arts, a human lighthouse of sorts, we may think: “I can be empathetic. I can sit in silence. I can offer breathwork/ meditation/ sound. I can serve medicine. I can even go on a retreat and get a certificate!”
But what we don’t see, and should deeply consider, is how deep do their pilings run. What keeps them from burning out, from taking on others’ energies, from succumbing to ego and losing their ground?
We must ask: What is their personal background and lineage? How are their relationships? Do they have a solid practice to return to? Have they done, and do they continue to do, their shadow work? How steady are they through tides and storms? Look not only at their trainings—but at their initiations.
When holding space for others in any professional capacity, we must check ourselves with the same level of scrutiny. And continue to do so—before, during, and after. If drama, conspiracy theories, savior complex, unhinged shadow and the like are still present, there’s work to be done before professionally being in service to others.
"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining." — Anne Lamott
If you ever asked me: “What does it take to become a 42 server?”
And didn’t get a short answer—this is why. I myself moved through the world with medicine sharing and holding space for over a decade, before taking a first paid client. How long we still have to walk depends on how far we’ve already come.
and I continue to do my work. Just last night I returned from a 10 day medicine dieta with ayahuasca in the Brazilian amazon, an experience I plan to write about come time. As I was making the long journey home, I learned that my beautiful newborn grandniece has passed. She was less than a month old. Receiving tragic news immediately after a big process can feel like being punched on a new post op stitches. I don’t feel like the tragic news impeded my process. Instead, having tended to my foundations allows me more capacity to be with this tender grief, which is why sharing this note today felt timely.
Let us be the best lighthouses we can be.
Let us tend to our foundations just as much, if not more than we do to our light.
Thank you for this. Part of the imagery of my work is the fresnel lens of a lighthouse. This is a really good reminder that it's both the house and the light. Thank you.
Excellent observation.