How a suicidal teen chose life

Her parents had to live in a home without knives, hospitals refused her as a patient. Then she had a process with mushrooms.

June 26 2021 was a remarkable day in more ways than I can count.

I spent that day serving medicine to Eva, a severely suicidal 13 year old. She was:

1. The youngest person I have served medicine to at the time.

2. The single most self harming person I have ever come across.

While the age record has since been broken a few times over (I have since worked with kids as young as 9 years old), I have yet to meet a person more self harming than Eva was. More on that soon. It has been 4 years since and Eva, like all other teenagers I have worked with, has not gone back to self harming.

But first: a word of great caution

While I have seen great success in the teenagers I have worked with, I DO NOT recommend serving medicine to teenagers, quite the opposite. Serving teenagers requires a great deal more than safe space holding by a good practitioner. I urge desperate parents and eager practitioners alike to exercise great caution as these processes are inherently different in a unique way and things CAN go wrong. This topic warrants its own article, which I will publish soon. Subscribe (it’s free) if you haven’t yet, to receive that article.

This is the story of one of the dozens of kids I have worked with. Eva was at the time going by a chosen name which she had since let go of, so I stick to Eva.

Eva’s background

Eva’s story was brought to my attention through a good friend of her father who was deeply familiar with the family’s suffering.

Every single inch of Eva’s body was covered in cuts and wounds at varying levels of recency. Literally every inch she has access to had cuts. Eva’s cutting got so severe her family took out any all knives and sharp objects out of the home. They lived this way for years. Imagine living without knives- unable to prepare food or open a package.. in the absence of knives, Eva found ways to break glass and sharpen plastic in order to cut herself with it, often causing infection in the process.

Eva found many other creative ways to self harm: She had been known to jump out of moving vehicles, run into traffic, bang her head in tiled walls to the point of concussion, pull her own hair causing bald spots and swallow whatever pills she could get her hands on.

Eva spent her days in and out of ERs, mental wards and PHP- partial hospitalization programs. Every single mental ward and PHP she was admitted to ended up dismissing her as a patient as they said not only they could not help her but she was a liability- advising the other kids how to self-harm more effectively. Some institutions took legal action to claim their right to refuse Eva as a patient. The situation was bad. Her family was struggling to get by.

To make matters worse, Eva held tremendous rage towards her father and refused to as much as talk to him. This rage felt bigger than this life. It seemed that all agreed that all he did was try to keep her alive.

The place

When on the road, the ideal place to serve medicine in is a clean beautiful home with access to nature, a place which offer spaciousness and privacy, safety and intimacy. Due to Eva’s severe self harming, however, there was not many places we could go. The place where we worked had to be cleared from any objects Eva could use to self harm- knives, sharp objects, alcohol, medications, vases, toiletries and some artifacts all had to be removed prior to Eva’s arrival.

The very family friend who introduced me to Eva’s family has very kindly offered his family home. They have worked tirelessly in the days prior to prepare their home and went away for the weekend to make this engagement possible.

The days before

I was visiting the east coast for work from my then home in California when Eva’s situation came to my awareness. Due to the unique nature of Eva’s condition, following conversations with the family and with Eva, I agreed to clear my schedule and change my travel plans in order to work with Eva that weekend before returning home.

I’ll share more about the preparation and integration processes in the upcoming teenagers + psychedelics piece, (working title) I’m gonna publish.

Despite being under 24/7 loving care of her family, Eva’s last attempts (multiple) at self harm were on Thursday. I could not get on a call with Eva that day so I sent a message that I asked her mother to convey to her. She did. Eva agreed to meet me the next day, with the intention to continue into a ceremony the following day if she and I both agreed to it.

Eva and I met on Friday at home of the family who offered her home for this engagement. Eva came with her mom, who will stay with us the next two nights and remain nearby for the entirety of the process, should we go through with it.

When I met with Eva she was checked out as they come. Like many other kids in her condition, here was a kid so far outside of her body. Not only was she lost and away from home, she perceived her “home” to be taken over and unsafe to return to. Following our conversation Eva and I agreed to work together.

Day of ceremony: a picture story

Below is Eva’s self portrait at 9:33am, just before opening ceremony.

Below is Eva’s self portrait 10:58am, less than 90 minutes into her ceremony.

Below is Eva’s self portrait at 12:21pm, less than 3 hours into our day.

Shortly after this painting I asked Eva how does she feel about her father, whom in the years prior to ceremony she was experiencing immense rage towards and refuse to interact with. Eva paused and said: “I love him, I forgive him. He’s good people.” I asked her if she minded if we wrote him or send him an audio message. She suggested we video call him, which we did. Eva said: “Hey dad I love you, I’m sorry..” Her dad who hasn’t as much as heard his daughter refer to him as “Dad” for years, let alone declare her love towards him, cried like I never heard grown man cry before or since.

The rest of the day was lovely. Eva’s mom had joined us and Eva reconnected with with light hearted themes again like fashion and self expression- a sharp contradiction to her then wardrobe of oversized dark sweats she grew used to hiding in.

Life thereafter.

In the years that passed since ceremony Eva did not self harm or need hospitalization. Eva has gone back to her given name. She resumed her education and is now a senior in high school, her family home has knives again… Eva has friends and she swims regularly. To support her integration, her family neighbors who are empty nesters, have re-activated their pool and maintain it so that the young mermaid can swim next to home and at no cost.

Many of Eva’s medications were eliminated and the remaining were drastically reduced and that has had a positive effect as well. Eva is planning on going to college to earn her degree in Special Education and Psychology and then earn her masters. She has a job as a hostess, she is learning to drive with the hope to get her license this fall. She has a boyfriend who is a nice guy too. She is also planning to play field hockey for her senior year which is a big goal for her.

Eva still moves through the normal teenager stuff but the family is nowhere near where they were 4 years ago.

Working with Eva has opened me to working with many more teenagers. This day ended up saving dozens more young lives and give hope to countless more.

More soon on my work with the delicate and much in need population. Till then, xoxo.