I share below my personal story not without resistance, as I feel strongly that this work is not about me, nor should it be. Moreover; sometimes reading people’s personal stories can have the unintentional effect of glorifying them, waxing their human lives with some false veneer of all-knowing and happily ever after, à la Joseph Campbell’s hero monomyth. The cave, the elixir. And while certainly there was a cave and there is an elixir alright, the truth is, I still go back to the cave and I will forever distill that elixir. I am as human, and as alien, as they come. An alien in the sense that it took me a moment to find my place on this planet. A human in the sense that I’m still figuring it out. I share my story as an offering of vulnerability, hoping others find resonance in aspects of my humanity, and my alienness. If this is not for you, see you in my next post hopefully.

Why today?

Dates matter. April 9th marks the anniversary of the capital T trauma that sent me onto my path at the ripe age of 18. A loss so profound I temporarily lost the ability to understand language due to how dissociated I was.

Solo alien. Wrong planet?

Growing up, I felt like an alien among humans. Fifth of 6 kids in a religious household, I was born not only to a family but to an unbroken lineage dating back thousands of years. The energy that animates my work and many of the principles by which I serve come from the lineage I was born into and the household I grew up in, but before I could come back and discover those gifts, I had to run away from them.

One distinct aspect that informed my alienness was the feeling that my brain was operating differently than everyone I knew. I felt as though I had an open antenna to a knowing much greater than myself. I could write and say things I had no business knowing. When people complimented me for being bright I shrugged it off in the same way you would if someone complimented you for an answer you got from your AI of choice. This was not my knowing, I was just the one accessing it. That state did not feel like a blessing. It felt confusing at best, and disorienting at worst.

Though I could not focus in school for the life of me, I could also not fail an exam if I tried (and I tried). School felt excruciatingly boring. In middle school, I could no longer bear it and I wanted out. When I told my parents that, they casually said: “You can only leave school when you graduate.” So I decided to graduate years ahead of schedule. And I did. I figured out how to turn my ADD around and unleash its gift of hyperfocus. A story for another day. I graduated high school some 2.5 years ahead of schedule, thinking I’ll never attend another school in my life, only to end up in Wharton a few years later. So much for that.

Two aliens. Life makes sense.

At 16 having already graduated high school, I was free to roam, F around and find out. On an expedition with a friend I met my first love. He was not just another Alien. He was an alien who had figured out this planet. His name was Gedaliah. When David Bowie died, people said Bowie made it cool to be different. Gedaliah made it cool to be an alien. He introduced me to art and movies and music I never heard of. We went on adventures together. He was not only a poet but a poem. And for reasons unbeknownst to me, he saw me. Life, the first time, made sense. Until it didn’t.

Enter: Capital T trauma

When I was 18 and a half Gedaliah died. There was no seeing it coming. He was a healthy young man, just short of turning 22. A pacifist that died at the hands of terrorists. The irony. The pain had me shoot so far out of my body that I was unable to speak or understand language. That is how dissociated I was. I had to go back to living at my parents’ house. I remember looking at people’s faces as they were talking to me and thinking: “I used to be able to make meaning of the sounds that come out of their faces.” It was a dark and blurry time. I remember judging myself for being unable to come back from this void. I had a life before I met this person. Why couldn’t I resume that life?

By the grace of trauma

The initiation that followed that trauma is too sacred to get into here. What I can share is that by the grace of this trauma I have arrived on my path some 20 years ago, long before it was chic to do so. It wasn’t long before my healing path brought me to altered states. Working with mushrooms, specifically, for the first time, evoked a deep sense of familiarity, like arriving somewhere for the first time but feeling like I was from there. That same voice, that open antenna I had access to as a child, came back online, only now it was not confusing nor disorienting. It felt like homecoming. I was relieved to be back, and I was welcomed with love. I left my homeland early and began a 20+ years exploration of the outer world and inner world that continues to this day.

In pursuit of the wrong goal

That first initiation was not a happily ever after, by any means. It was a beginning.
The first few years of adult life were perplexing. I tried to follow familial and societal expectations and programming, pursuing a business career with the belief that once I found an intellectual challenge, I would find my purpose. If only. I traveled. I dated again. I got my undergrad degree in the Netherlands. I went to Wharton and got my graduate degree. I moved to NYC where I even married a guy. I pursued jobs in advertising, tech and investment, but was disinterested if not checked out. I thought what I was missing was an intellectual challenge to feel engaged in my career. Ha.

Double life

While my day job life felt off, a new world was coming online. I began more intently traveling my inner landscape, studying the human condition and immersing myself in various modalities and practices. These included: Internal Family System (IFS), Ayahuasca, Vipassana, flow coaching and somatic therapy, to name a few. Through it all, music and mushrooms were my M&M. It was a place that offered not only clarity, but solutions, when nothing else did.
At the request of a growing circle of friends and family, I began sharing my time informally holding space for them and in turn their circles. I saw people overcoming depression, addiction, trauma, and finding self love, abundance and purpose. Done right, mushrooms held a key that seemed to open so many doors. For years, I lived what felt like two parallel lives – working to pay the bills in what felt like purposeless jobs, and pursuing a life that felt on purpose but not making any income doing so.

Dance medicine

Long before I could sit and meditate, I could go for hours on end without a thought in my head. The dance floor was the ceremony and dance was my medicine. This exploration brought deep connections to my life, community and creative expression, and ultimately it brought me to Burning Man. Arriving on playa was an experience that resembled my first experience with mushrooms in just how familiar that first time had felt. Psychedelics and Burning Man can both be misunderstood from the side as an escapist recreation. Yet both, done right, provide a blueprint for actively participating in creation.

Gratitude with capital Attitude

Through years of informally holding space for others, it became abundantly clear- good things came out of my early initiation. But. There was always a but. That dichotomy is what I call “gratitude with capital attitude.” The gratitude: Good things came out of this pain. The attitude: Couldn’t those good things be achieved with less pain? Couldn’t I be broken into less pieces? a million? a billion? Did I really have to become completely undone? Spoiler alert: It turns out, I really did. To bring people back from the void (teenagers among them) I couldn’t have just learned about it, or experienced it briefly. I had to have moved there. Address change and all.

Hello, wings.

In January 2017, following a breakup, I left NYC to CA to take a job running a family office. I moved for a job and found my purpose. The job turned out to not be what it promised to be, and shortly after said move, I left my former career to dedicate my life to holding space full-time. I never looked back. When the ground is pulled from under us, we grow wings alright. This shift came with no assurances whatsoever, short of knowing I was finally doing what I was put on this planet to do.

Enter: 42

A few years ago, following a process too deep to get into here, 42 was born. What is 42? 42 is the code name of what is animating this work. Much like ayahuasca is the energy that animates the jungle brew we love so much. If this sounds far out, leave it where you found it. All this goes to say: a proprietary medicine asked to be cultivated and the process of ushering it forward was not one of trial and error, but an arrival, much like a birth.

The birth of 42 came to a head in the mountains of Basque Country in northern Spain when I fasted in solitude for 7 days in the nonstop heavy rain, in a tent that was all but waterproof, teetering on hypothermia. At the end of this week came 42’s inaugural ceremony. The tent was replaced with a renovated 15th century grand castle, water fasting was replaced by chef prepared meals, silence was replaced with divine tunes of a beautiful sister musician, solitude was replaced by the company of dear friends. This juxtaposition of purity and exquisiteness stood to symbolize all that 42 was to become.

Being a custodian of medicine did not come with any manual. Lineage holders are normally men, wearing a feather headdress, a turban, a mitre or a shtreimel. It seems that independently of lineage, headdress matters. I didn’t know why I got to be a custodian of medicine. I still don't. There surely are more disciplined, more serious, more worthy candidates. I made mistakes and lost friends navigating this terrain, including those who wanted me to be a flawless guru they could follow. That is not me. A quote by Albert Camus which guides my work is:

Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead.
Don’t walk ahead of me, I may not follow.
Walk alongside me and be my friend.
- Albert Camus.

Community ever after + a news drop

Friends walking alongside we really are. More than anything, 42 is now a community. A beautiful collection of deeply grounded sovereign individuals committed to bettering themselves in service of a more just and more beautiful world. We commune online on our community chat and in person in group events. Our next retreat is dedicated to how to safely hold space and allow oneself to be held. Both our online chat and upcoming event have just a few spots open. Join us.

A news drop: We are in the early stages of scouting a community property in the Utah mountains, to allow us to share space and time in the time between ceremonies. Imagine a lush riverside mountain property where you can come for a weekend visit, a seasonal residency or you can even own a place which can be rented out while you are away.
A place to come to disconnect from distractions, and reconnect to self, to nature, to life, to community, to service. You can be in service different ways: cook meals, teach yoga, offer bodywork, tend to a garden... or you can just focus on your creative pursuit or practice- write music, create art, write a book, work on your deck, get back to your body, fast, sit in silence.. All in the company of like-hearted others. We think of this entire exploration as a co-creation. If you want to dream and bring this dream to life with us, reach out.

Background: Nervous system 101 / the 4 Fs

Below is a rather simplified understanding of the Nervous System 4 Fs: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn. It’s a table which you may begin reading from its middle. I could not find an illustration depicting this which I wanted to illustrate, so I made one. (Be the change you wish to see much?)
One picture is worth a thousand words. How many words is a table worth? Hopefully enough. (If you listen to this article on your substack app and are able to, give the table a look. I added alt text for the visually impaired but it fails to capture all aspects of the table.)

A HYPER-aroused nervous system seeks safety through action, via FIGHT or FLIGHT states. The danger need not be an actual one, mind you. Nor does the response. The danger can be simply feeling inadequate physically / financially / socially / professionally etc. The responses? Anxiety, keeping busy, ADD, OCD and more, can all be understood as manifestations of a HYPER-aroused nervous system, seeking safety through action.

On the other side of the pendulum, a HYPO-aroused nervous system seeks safety through dissociation, via FREEZE or FAWN. Alcoholism, substance addictions such as opioids, benzodiazepines and more as well behavioral addictions- (video game / porn / gambling / binge watching / doomscrolling..) all stem from freeze, and can be understood as attempts to find safety by dissociating. While dissociating does not solve the problem, it temporarily distances one from it (by distancing them from themselves). It’s like saying- the baby is crying, let’s get out of the house.

It is worth noting that many people may spend most their lives zig-zagging between hyper-aroused and hypo-aroused nervous system, likely hyper-aroused during work and hypo-aroused during down time. Alternating from go-go-go, not a quiet moment, to completely checking out by whichever means.
That covers the 3Fs mentioned thus far: Fight, flight and freeze. Let’s get to the reason we’ve digitally gathered here, that 4th F.

The orphan F: FAWNING

Of the 4 nervous system responses, one stands alone for being least known and least understood: Fawning. Fawning’s PR fail is not limited to the general population. The 4th F is at times omitted out of professional presentations, articles and even books.

What IS fawning? Fawning is a nervous system response whereby someone appeases or submits in order to avoid displeasing someone else, a reaction they have perceive as dangerous.

What may fawning look like: Constantly scanning the surrounding for others’ needs, predicting and vigilantly working to address those even before they arise. The person fawning not only neglects their own needs, they oftentimes won’t even know to articulate what their needs are. The thought of disappointing others may cause their heart rate to rise, their breathing to quicken. The mere suggestion of prioritizing their own needs may bring up intense feelings of guilt in them. Other fawning related feelings and behaviors may include: Constantly apologizing for things not remotely within one’s own responsibility or control, feeling exhausted and / or brewing with resentment inside but unable to stop.
How common is it? According to a YouGov 2022 survey 1 in 2 people identifies as a people pleaser. That is half the population. Fawning is more common in women and is excepted if not encouraged in some cultures.

How is a fawner born? More often than not, (but certainly not always) fawning is a survival mechanism that is learned early on. The fawner may learn as a child that if they don’t excel in school or sports / take care of the household or others’ needs, chaos ensues. Chaos is dangerous. Fawning is a brilliant survival mechanism. One cannot fight or flee the danger or dissociate from it, so they dismantle it instead. And so “Mom / dad flips when I don’t…” or “Mom / dad is less likely to be upset when I…” becomes a lifelong pursuit of “my partner / boss / child / client.. will be unhappy / explode / be very disappointed if I don’t..” or: “So long as I behave / overextend myself / keep X happy, all is well”.

The cost of fawning: Children who are forced into parentification- a role reversal by which they become the care-taker / confidant / mediator to their parents or guardians, are not just wired to prioritize others’ needs. They experience Alexithymia- they lose the ability to identify and describe their own emotions. The close link between Alexithymia and fawning is not limited to those who developed them in childhood. Self abandonment has no age limit.

Is fawning a trauma response? Let us pause a moment on the difference between trauma response (post trauma / danger happened) VS nervous system response (a way to avoid danger and not just a response to it). So: Fawning can be a trauma response, and for many it is. Yet it is not just a trauma response, it is a trauma avoidance mechanism = nervous system response. Defining fawning merely as a trauma response leaves out the very many who may not have felt the wrath of disappointing others, but the mere risk thereof generated a fawning behavior response within their nervous system.

Fawning’s best disguise: Many fawners will say: “I’m just a nice person / a care taker / good at my job…” This disguise can be undressed with an honest inquiry: Do you know your own needs? Can you safely communicate your needs and have them met within the appropriate boundaries of relationships? What happens if you fail to address said person’s need? What happens in your body to the thought of failing to address others needs? Being riddled with crippling anxiety by the thought of disappointing another is not a healthy nice person response. That is a nervous system response. Here’s an easy rule of thumb:

Being nice feels expansive. Fawning feels constrictive.

Fawning’s dark side: There is an element that is often left out of conversations about fawning. Fawners often attract manipulators. Think about it: Who is an abusive boss more likely to hire / keep under their employ? Who is an abusive partner more likely to go into a relationship with? The person who exercises healthy boundaries and asks for their needs to be met or the person who profusely apologizes when the boss / partner loses their temper, works tirelessly to avoid disappointing them at any cost, unreasonable as it may be to their own well being?

The drama need not be of a risk to the fawner in order to register as danger. “When I tried to quit / walk away / break up with them they had a panic attack / meltdown / had an inflammation flare-up..” is enough for fawners to register as something to avoid at all costs.

At times the party being fawned over will use toxic positivity to encourage fawning: “You never rest / sleep / complain / get upset / go home..” are subtle ways to signal to fawners: Your lack of boundaries is celebrated and expected.

Is fawning just conflict avoidance? No. While there is certainly an overlap to this Venn diagram, there can very well conflict avoidance sans fawning (withdrawal, not actively pleasing) and there can be fawning sans conflict avoidance (habitual, on-going, without an immediate risk of conflict yet stuck in “appease to survive”.)

Overcoming fawning

Recovering fawners demonstrate that fawning can very well be overcome, yet it requires diligent work, and transformation of habits and relationships alike. Spoiler alert: Some unhealthy relationships may not survive this healthy transformation.

The scope of healing a lifelong nervous system response is greater than what a single substack article may cover, but I’ll do my best to give pointers to help fawners navigate the path to recovery.

1. Ground in present moment physical safety. Hopefully you read this as an adult. The capital D danger that sent you on to the path of fawning, is over. You are no longer a child and the person/ people who turned you into a fawner cannot physically harm you. Let your body know: “I am safe. You are safe. We are safe.” (If you are not in fact safe and are in a physically abusive relationship, help is available, text BEGIN to 88788)

2. Establish other layers of safety (financial / housing/ professional / social): A lot of therapy minded articles skip over this step. Some fawners may exist within a culture / a household/ a workplace where setting a boundary may come at a real cost. Some fawners may have financial / professional / housing dependency towards the person they’ve been fawning over. The danger here, albeit not physical, is real. One can lose their income / the roof over their head etcetera when they cease fawning. It is difficult to tell the nervous system that the danger is over when some danger is still imminent. In such cases, before making the shift it is important to do all that is within one’s power to bring safety to these areas and navigate the transition with grace. Inform and consult with trusted individuals within the relevant professional / familial / social / cultural network. Recovering from fawning in a Canadian corporate environment is different than recovering from fawning in a middle eastern family setting.

3. Update the script: Once basic levels of safety are established, you can go into a deeper inquiry around emotional safety. This may take different forms for different people: It is safe for me to disappoint others. It is safe for me to articulate my needs. It is safe for me to ask that my needs be met. It is safe for me to be in the company of others having big feelings. Others’ big feelings are not a danger to me. Each one of these sentences is not merely a mantra and may require updating long held rigid beliefs. Working with a trusted professional in a supportive environment may come in handy right around here.

4. Baby steps. Start small, when stakes are low, and work your way up. If “I rather not” feels impossible, perhaps begin with: “Can I think about it?” Take your lunch away from the desk before requesting / announcing a week long vacation.

5. Intervention script. Learn to identify the signals which arise in your body when the need to fawn comes up. What happens to your breath? your heartbeat? (ask a professional to help you) design a short exercise that will help you ground in safety, regulate your nervous system and communicate from a safe place.

6. Hello, Self. Learn to recognize your needs, learn to articulate them to self, and with time- to others. Many fawners will scramble for an answer when asked: “What do you need?” It is therefore important for recovering fawners to tap into their feelings and learn to articulate their needs, first to themselves and in turn- to others.

7. The bigger reframe: This is an important one: If I am not a people pleaser- WHAT AM I? A lot of people have an identity rooted in people pleasing. They may think: If I am not a people pleaser I am selfish / unlovable / unemployable.. Many of us were taught: “Do unto others as you would have them to unto you.” When in fact, for recovering fawners and most normal individuals, there isn't a person we treat less kindly than ourselves. So the invitation for the recovering fawner is to introduce the flipped golden rule. (the silver rule?) To treat oneself as they would another. And then- rooted in safety, one can very well indulge in being nice to others from a healthy place. Being nice to others because they get to, not because they got to.

<A note for the non-fawners: You may not be a fawner, but certainly you know one. They may even be fawning over you. Independently of whom the fawners in your life fawn over- I hope you can use this awareness to gently support them on their journey of recovery. They will forever cherish you for it.>

How does fawning show up in your life? In yourself or a loved one? feel free to share in the comments. Happy recovery to all fawners.
***

If you’re interested in practicing healthy boundaries in community, learning to safely hold space without depleting and allowing yourself to receive and be held, consider joining our next retreat: https://pp.events/witness
Want to learn more? request a free discovery call Hello@houseof42.org

The punctuation,
of all love languages:
Holding space.

As sisters and brothers
as fellow hikers on this path
We hold space.

Away or at home
we all just walk each other home,
We hold space.

At times an anchor
At times a mast,
We hold space.

It is our native language
that we all can stand to learn
We hold space.

To our romantic partners
and to our business partners
We hold space.

On the dance floor,
and anywhere music is playing,
We hold space.

To our blood family
to our chosen family
We hold space.

Online
and offline
We hold space.

Don’t sacrifice your attention
on the altar of the algorithm,
Thinking you hold space.

To our employees,
and those who may employ our services,
We hold space.

In the healing arts
in all arts,
We hold space.

To members of our tribe
and members of our human tribe
We hold space.

Not ahead nor behind,
but alongside, as equals,
We hold space.

To our clients and patients,
and in all patience,
We hold space.

We chose to be here,
we choose to be here,
We hold space.

To our students,
and as life’s students,
We hold space.

Through contraction
to expansion
We hold space.

The only person we can heal
is ourselves,
We hold space.

On call,
or on a call,
We hold space.

In conversation,
and in silence,
We hold space.

In physical touch,
and in keeping in touch,
We hold space.

In making love
or making the bed,
We hold space.

In intimacy,
into me you see,
We hold space.

On our social feeds.
and to those we feed,
We hold space.

All human actions are acts of love
or cries for love,
We hold space.

To this loneliness epidemic
a cure as old as human kind:
We hold space.

We don’t got to,
we get to.
We hold space.

A healed savior,
is not a by-stander, but a coach,
We hold space.

Instead of: I got you
Try: I’m with you
We hold space.

From trauma
to agency
We hold space.

Body
Heart
Mind
Spirit
We hold space.

We are all neighbors
on this pale blue dot,
We hold space.

Everyone here,
is just trying their best,
We hold space.

We are but visitors,
Here today, tomorrow gone,
We hold space.

Uncertainty is
the only certain thing on the horizon,
We hold space.

It’s on us to create
a paradigm of care to meet these times
We hold space.

Nervous system regulation
can save lives,
We hold space.

We learn to get close
without closing off,
We hold space.

A load of laundry,
a warm bath, a packed lunch,
We hold space.

At some point the roles reverse
and as children to our parents
We hold space.

Hopefully you are formed by then,
it’s no task for a young child,
Holding space.

A healthy empath
is not a sponge,
We hold space.

A few of us were taught
how to self care through it all,
We hold space.

Showing up
is 80% of this thing,
We hold space.

It’s not about being calm or happy
but present through it all,
We hold space.

In cities and in nature,
it is in our nature,
To hold space.

It can be more difficult
to be held than
to hold space.

May you remember
to leave space for yourself
We hold space.

If you still speak to yourself unkindly
start there, dear one,
before you hold space.

As within,
so without,
We hold space.

From cradle to grave
In love we trust,
We hold space.

Together, apart,
Till death do us part,
We hold space.

At the end of parts work,
we are no longer in parts,
We hold space.

Emotional hygiene
is how we do it right,
We hold space.

Time may be an illusion,
yet time is all we’ve got,
We hold space.

Without condition,
it’s the human condition,
to hold space.

Fostering safety
to feel, is to heal
We hold space.

We don’t know people’s struggles
let us remember to be kind
and hold space.

Can we remain soft
in a hard world?
We hold space.

In this lifetime,
Find me in every lifetime,
We hold space.

When you walk through a valley,
keep walking, my love,
We hold space.

This too shall pass,
But, holy F*%#,
We hold space.

It is always darkest
right before dawn
We hold space.

Let ASAP be
As Soft As Possible
We hold space.

When the ground is pulled from under us,
we’re reminded of our wings,
We hold space.

No other way out
but through,
We hold space.

To a fetus in utero
birth is the end of life as it knows it,
We hold space.

There is life on the other side
of the birth canal we’re in,
We hold space.

Shadow is not the absence of light
but a product thereof
We hold space.

Nothing real can be threatened,
Nothing unreal exists,
We. hold. space.

______

One sentence I as a space holder hear the most is: “You hold SO much”. To which my answer, time and again, is: “I Hold NOTHING”. I would not have lasted one day if I did.
I deeply hold that learning to safely hold space and being held can make us ever more present to all aspects of life. Space holding is therefore at the center of an experience we are launching in exactly a couple of months. Please consider joining us and share this invite with others: https://pp.events/witness Request a free discovery call by emailing: Hello@Houseof42.org

Rarely does a psychedelic study create a tsunami wave that ripples well outside of the psychedelics community. That is exactly what happened when researchers at Cornell University published a study using rabies virus to track the effect of psilocybin on the brain. This paper, perhaps unintentionally, revealed something greater than it was set out to discover, offering a better understanding of the mechanisms not only of psilocybin but of depression, the brain and the human experience.

Some background

Depression is said to affect some 350 million individuals worldwide or 4.4% of the population according to the WHO (World Health Organization). About a third to half of those who are prescribed antidepressants will not experience ease of symptoms due to those meds. We cannot cure something we do not understand. The prevailing treatment for depression, namely antidepressants, is ineffective as it stems from a partial understanding, if not a misunderstanding, of depression. Most depression treatments treat depression as a disease of neurons. What we come to understand is: Depression is a disease of neurons as much as traffic is a disease of cars.

While traffic is experienced by cars, the solution for traffic lies outside of them in understanding and addressing the connectivity of roads and the aggregated flow across them. This research as well as countless other ones support that understanding.

Traffic and depression, the OG Analogy

I have long used the analogy of traffic to describe the effect of psychedelics on the brain. Not only did this research arrive at a very similar, if not identical, language, but its fascinating findings allowed me to further refine my analogy.
Interestingly, famed researcher Robin Carhart-Harris released a video of how he too updated his (very different) language in a rather similar fashion.

Here is a brief reference to my OG traffic analogy to depression, Psychedelics and the brain: “Think of your brain as a large metropolis. The Default Mode Network is like its busiest streets; often if not always jammed with traffic, even when not much is happening. Now imagine a parade or a marathon was to take place, the normal traffic would have to be diverted. People trying to move around the city while those streets have alternate use, must find alternate routes. Decreased activity in the DMN (the main streets) makes way for new neural pathways to emerge through lesser-used connections (alternative routes). This can manifest as a new perspective, increased creativity, self-compassion, forgiveness, inspiration, motivation, and more.” I further referred in that article to the trajectory of a trip, referring to a study published in Nature, detailing how one must often break down (alternate use) to break through (new pathways).

Enter rabies research.

Scientists at Cornell University were interested in understanding how is it that a single psilocybin session can have long-lasting effects on the brain. The head researcher, Quan Jiang, framed the inquiry in traffic terms: “With psilocybin, it’s like we’re adding all these roads to the brain, but we don’t know where the roads go.”

Instead of using the traditional fMRI (functional Magnetic Resonance Imaging) to image individual synaptic connections, researchers stripped nature’s deadliest pathogen, namely rabies, of its ability to kill and used it as a microscopic tracer to map exactly how psilocybin rebuilds neural circuits. That approach addresses many if not all of the concerns around psychedelics research in human subjects, one of which is functional unblinding. Psychedelics work too well for the control group not to know they got the placebo, as brilliantly illustrated below.

Read the full paper here: Psilocybin triggers an activity-dependent rewiring of large-scale cortical networks. It’s a dense read. I include below a reader-friendly summary.

The research process (Optional, you can jump ahead)

Rabies naturally travels backwards through the nervous system. Scientists engineered it to jump just one neuron at a time.

On day 1 the Frontal cortex was injected with helper virus. On day 14 they injected psilocybin to the study group versus saline to the control group. On day 16 rabies was injected, along with the tracing highlighter. On day 21 the brains were harvested. Light sheet microscopy was then used to trace the effects. Every single green-highlighted neuron was counted. To understand the level of detail consider the following:
Over half a million inputs of each brain were collected.
Every one of these findings was in turn mapped to one of 316 brain regions. No previous research has mapped psilocybin’s effect across the entire brain.

The findings

The expectation was to see randomness. As Quan Jiang said- we didn’t know where these new roads lead. What was observed was all but random.
In fact the odds of it happening by chance are so slim, p = 0.00006.

There was a pattern as to which pathways got weaker and which got stronger.

1. What got Stronger? The connections that got stronger were all sensory, and they have seen a major 10% increase. These regions include: The Primary somatosensory cortex, Primary visual cortex, Motor cortex and Retrosplenial cortex. All these areas are responsible for our actual lived sensory reality.
   Psilocybin literally brings us back to our senses. It strengthens one’s connection to their senses, 3D reality and the external world.

2. What got Weaker? The connections that got weaker can all be classified as contributing to our internal narrative. These regions have seen a staggering 15% decrease. These regions include: The Infralimbic area, Insula, Hippocampus, Amygdala and Orbitofrontal cortex. Psilocybin quiets down the regions associated with our Internal narrative, the default mode network, regions responsible for depression, anxiety, fear and ruminating thoughts.

3. What was unchanged? Researchers completely silenced an area of the brain during the experiment. This region experienced no change, further showing that the rewiring is experience-dependent and programmable.

The study shows that psilocybin redirects traffic. It weakens the loops that trap people in depression, anxiety, trauma, fear responses and ruminating thoughts and brings us back to our senses, quite literally. It is no wonder people experience psilocybin as “Coming to”. Psilocybin brings us back to 3D reality and temporarily erases, and thereby weakens, imagined internal reality. Some new neural pathways remain for weeks, some are permanent. The durability of the structural remodeling in the brain may explain how psilocybin, which has a short half-life in the body, can cause sustained changes in behavior.

Traffic and depression: Analogy 2.0

Having read this research, I now humbly update my analogy:

In the past I likened the effect of psychedelics to the shutting down of the busy streets for a parade or a marathon, and how that forces traffic to find alternative pathways. My current understanding is that: Psilocybin is to the brain what Waze is to traffic. Much like the Waze algorithm, psilocybin diverts traffic from jammed regions onto less traveled ones. Drivers who took alternative paths are more likely to take them again- hence the lingering effect of said neuroplasticity.

How Robin Carhart-Harris’ language evolved:

It is fascinating when different thinkers in a field arrive at similar language (see my post re Creativity) or move in a similar direction over time.
Shortly after I have updated my analogy, I came across this video of Psychopharmacologist and thought leader Robin Carhart-Harris, indicating his language evolved in a rather similar fashion.

- Carthart-Harris: “Psychedelics break chunked stuff down into smaller bits, so it’s finer, finer grained, temporarily, patterns in the brain are finer grained rather than coarse grained. In normal waking consciousness you see these big patterns like the Default Mode Network is a very popular network system in the brain that people often refer to.”
- Interviewer: “There’s something about it shutting down”
- Carthart-Harris: “Yea, it doesn’t shut down. That’s sort of sloppy language, I used it once upon a time, but I don’t these days. It doesn’t shut down. It scrambles up. it gets entropic. It gets bittier. Its boundaries break down and it bleeds into other systems. You’re breaking chunked stuff, so coarse grain stuff and slow stuff down into faster and finer activity, spatiotemporally, it’s faster and finer.”

Practical takeaways

You now have a better understanding how psilocybin heals the brain, have a sound-bite you can share with others, sound smart and hopefully leave them knowing better. But better than knowing better is doing better. How can you engage with psilocybin and other classical psychedelics better based on the above? Having spent 20+ years dancing through the world with medicine, I narrowed it down to some suggestions.

Next time when entering an altered state- be it a hiking trip/ a sound journey/ a therapeutic session or a medicine ceremony, consider the following:

1. Before: Preparation + Intention. Psychedelics, done right, are like a cleaning team to your system. If a cleaning team was to enter your home for a deep clean you’d know some discomfort is on the horizon. Vacuums may be buzzing, furniture may be moving around. You’d have to be consulted on where things go. Similarly, when entering an altered state experience, consider the following: Discomfort is 100% on the menu. That discomfort is temporary, and done right- it should leave you better. When entering a big process, plan accordingly. Allow for a window of no distractions during and after. Have an intention, and hold it loosely. Intention ≠ expectation. The work may run much deeper than you expect.

2. During: Narration + Direction. There is so much that can be said here, I’ll keep it to a couple of basics. Things that come up while we’re altered tend to have a certain directionality. Some things are to be released (OUT). Some parts are to be integrated (IN). Some things are to be observed, felt, seen and transmuted. When considering altered space, go beyond Set and Setting. Choose wisely your companion / sitter / server / guide and if you are to do it solo- your own narration. When discomfort arises, allow it. Engage with curiosity, and neutrality. When you can- orient to the basics: Safety, Agency, Sovereignty. To heal deeply one needs to reach deeply, a tumor is not removed in a massage. Consider what is the healed version of what is asking to transmute. Control (rigid, futile) may transmute into Agency (elastic, attainable); Savior (I got you) may transmute into Coach (I am with you); Victim (Life happens to me) may transmute into Creator (Life is by me, for me); Consumption (phone addiction, anyone?) into Creation (enter yours). The list goes on.

3. After: Integration + Connection. Need I not tell you, herein begins the real work. Know that just like after a successful surgery one may be left feeling more tender than they did coming in, so is the case post altered-state engagement. Leave time to integrate. Tend to your body: Hydrate, sleep, work out if even lightly, be in nature, ground, journal, nourish well. Mind your emotional boundaries- if one was to come home from a surgery- if a healthy loving dog was to lick their fresh stitches that cause an infection. Don’t make big decisions for at least 72 hours. Let the dust settle. If you feel immediate urge to communicate something perhaps write a letter or record a voice note and revisit a couple of days later. Consider taking on a small commitment- to stop or start something, do more or less of it, or do it differently. Instead of: “I’ll do yoga every day” try: “I commit to an embodiment practice 3 times a week for a year”. Perhaps most importantly, remember that at the end of self work we are not just better selves. Successful self work connects us to something bigger than ourselves. Foster and tend to your connection to purpose, service, nature, community.

This study revealed more than it intended to

What may go unnoticed when reading this article and its findings, is that it actually revealed more than it intended to. This study offers not only a new understanding of psilocybin, but of depression, the brain and the human condition. Its findings show in no uncertain terms, what may have only been speculated before: The human condition can be understood through two aspects of its being:
1- Our sensory experience of the external world.
2- Our internal narrative within.

While we are trained to think of the two as deeply intertwined (outside of spiritual traditions, the internal is thought of largely as a response to the external). This study shows that these two categories are somewhat independent. Many emotional and mental afflictions can be traced to an imbalance between the two, namely when we lose touch with the first (Sensory / External) and lean too heavily into the latter (Narrative / Internal). This understanding of those ailments allows us to offer better solutions to them. The remedy to depression, anxiety and other ailments, are more likely to be found on your plate, on your mat, in the gym, in service, on the dance floor, on a hike, in connection to nature, community, purpose etc, than in a daily pharmaceutical dose of any kind. Instead of the vehicles/ neurons, tend to the connectivity. Within and without.

Here hoping this piece leaves you knowing, and doing, better.

_____

Other posts that may tickle your fancy:

Eve came to her first ceremony certain her best days were behind her. Her energy was heavy and she felt ungrounded emotionally, professionally, geographically and financially. Read below her poem, an epilogue of how is she doing 2 years after and what brings her to her second ceremony.

An Ode to 42

Many a boring story begins with
“Let me tell you about this time I got high”
But while I have your attention
Under this beautiful starry sky
I’ll mention that last year I found myself
Feeling the lowest I’d ever felt
Wondering why I was sitting yet again
with the heavy card I was dealt

Some days I couldn’t feel anything at all
It was a mean place, inside my head
And at the doorstep of turning 40
I felt mostly dread

Feeling shame that I had tried everything
And I couldn’t break through my own dark
I thought the pandemic was over
But that black dog’s bite left a mark

I came across a keeper of medicine
Who was said to work with fire
And a technology passed down through her lineage
That great ancestral wire

And I’m sure many of you can appreciate
My sensible trepidation
Sitting down to ceremony is
Not at all a vacation

I wasn’t sure who I’d be
After my brain cells were rearranged
As I crawled to the gates of her temple
My fear was great, but so was my pain

And first it started a little slow
A pleasant hallucinogenic spree
Music sounded a little better
Some nice colors, floating free

So I asked myself that age old question
“Am I sure I took enough?”
Because after having psilocybin for breakfast
I had consumed a fungi-based lunch

And just when I thought this journey
was your average mushroom trip
The universe she pulled out the rug
And mama let it RIP

Flying through a kaleidoscope
of hieroglyphics, pictures, and sounds
Colorful shapes and creatures
All spinning in the round

On a fluorescent rocket ship
Soaring through sacred geometry
Through the emptiness of lord Shiva
The dance of mama Shakti

And when the lotus peels open
Every petal you can inspect
This is the place the ancients speak of
where Quantum physics
and prayer intersect

But now I’m getting VERY uncomfortable
I’m sweating, i’m starting to fidget
I called out “how many grams did I eat?”
She said “You’re still in the single digits!”

Oh god please let it be over-
I’m teetering on the brink
This is like when I thought I’d be good at burning man
Because I went to PYNK

I need a sip of water
If I could just get off the floor
And if I still had any legs attached
I’d be sprinting for that door

I said I wanted to do some healing
But this is SO not fun
This cleanup is feeling very big
She said “Darling I don’t do small ones”

Because what you turn away from
The mother will insist
That you sit with it for 9 hours
Until you get the gist

and everything I was avoiding
Drinking, smoking or fucking to numb
I just had to sit with it
There was nowhere to run

The role I played in my own suffering
The times I gave my power away
Now I was faced with all of it
As I packed eternity into one day

I had entered a labor portal
I bore down and held my knees
And I know this will sound insane
But I was giving birth - to me

I had to forgive all the women I’d been before
And hold that little girl
because the women I have yet to become
Deserve only good in this world

I have peered into the magic
The perfect design of my life
I am held by my good and well ancestors
Especially through the strife

My challenges were by design-
I am not a victim
My lessons are my karma
And I really know to pick ‘em

I am fucking effervescent
I am a sovereign being
I am one thousand years old…
And I REALLY have to pee

Then got a little curious
I wanted to see how space travel would be
So then I spent 7 minutes or 2,000 years
With a hit of fire DMT

And I saw the place that we came from
Where we all are headed to
I think I’ve met you there before
And you
And you
And you

We are part of something greater
A message in the entropy
We are safe
We are loved
We are home
And we are FREE.

And as the sun dipped below the horizon
I came back into my body
And for the very first time it felt like
a really great place to be.

And as much as being high is great
I’m chasing the ultimate win
Ladies and gentlemen the true measure of success
is a regulated nervous system!

And it turns out that sitting with hardship
Has only expanded my capacity for joy
And I’m building a new set of tools
That I can now deploy

A fungi healed me-
I take that back! I’m healing myself
but psychedelics gave me a chance
To peek behind the curtain
To get back in the dance

So that thing you came to earth to do?
The intelligence WANTS us to co-create.
My dear friends

You are not too old
and it is never ever too late

We are part of a mycelium
That interconnects us all from above
When everything else falls away
All that remains is love

And as long as I move towards my life
the path will appear under my feet
I am now absolutely certain
My best days are ahead of me.

********

Two years later / An Epilogue

2 years ago I arrived at Osher’s door for a 1:1 feeling broken, nervous, and convinced my best days were behind me. I couldn’t break free of a dark cloud feeling unmoored and alone after uprooting my whole life without a destination.

Osher and 42 helped me get my life back that day. I’m able to feel my feelings, roll with them, and am confident not only of my belonging in this world but that my best days are ahead of me. I cleared myself of the bad data that wasn’t serving me and wasn’t mine to carry. Having had that glimpse into the kaleidoscopic design of my life changed everything.

Within three months I doubled my income, got my house and bought my dream car. I’m grounded emotionally, financially, geographically, and professionally.

Two years later I am still integrating, applying and reflecting on that day - the first day I saw myself clearly, as others see me, and as I truly am, always with the support of the 42 community.

I am still a human and as such I am humaning. I am now back to work on a much deeper layer, my innermost wound. This is not a layer I could have touched upon 2 years ago. I am ready for it now. Wish me softness. Wish me completion.

On the anniversary of the village I come from, announcing an offering on how to build one.

Today is my parents’ 55th anniversary, the matriarch and patriarch of my OG tribe. And it is a tribe alright. From my parents onwards we are 59 humans, and number 60 is just about to join us earth side. While size clearly does matter, two guiding principles define our tribe:

1. Zero drama. It is said that for a successful double-date to occur, 4 relationships need to work. For 59 humans to coexist in harmony, 1,711 relationships (59 x 58 / 2) need to go drama-free. And they do, and we do, as I live and breathe. 1,711 relationships, no drama, only love. That is no accident but conscious steering alright.

2. Service. From our teenage years throughout our adult lives, each and every single one of us has impact/ service meaningfully woven into our lives. At 72 my mom still regularly volunteers in the local hospital. No longer able to participate physically, my father monetarily does his part.

Growing up in what feels like a tribe, and one that is grounded in all of the above, is a privilege that is hard to come by. More often than not, we ought to tumble through life with just our avatar, find our rotating cast of an entourage as we go, and only if we’re lucky, we get to find our village or build around us one.

It costs a village not to have one

Loneliness is now regarded as a global epidemic whose devastating health effects are as bad as or worse than smoking, obesity or pollution. Gallup estimates a quarter of the world feels very lonely or fairly lonely. According to the World Health Organization (WHO) loneliness and social isolation increase the risk of stroke, heart disease, diabetes, cognitive decline, and premature death.

The roots of the loneliness epidemic can be traced to the Industrial Revolution, moving out of tightly knit rural communities and into anonymous cities, virtually unraveling one’s social fabric without giving rise to an alternative one.
Fast forward to the age social networks which promised to connect us to one another and left us doom scrolling, isolated and forever on a comparison rat race which cannot be won.

And then there was Covid. Loneliness and social isolation were a problem well BC (Before Covid). And then 2020 came around. If the loosely-run social experiment called Covid taught us anything, is that a lonely human is a sickly one. No amount of sourdough baking can make up for the absence of others in our lives. Years later, while all surviving lungs have largely recovered from this hyped up flu, the same can NOT be said about the effect of that solitude on humans’ brains and hearts.

The answer? Social connection.

Well beyond mental health, social connection can protect health across the lifespan. It can reduce inflammation, lower the risk of serious health problems and prevent early death. Humans are a social creature, and as such, we need a tribe.

Community vs Friends

Many can say that while they don’t have community, they have siloed friendships. While the two can and do go hand in hand, here are some ways why I believe having community is greater than siloed friendships.

1. In crisis: Those most in need of friendship are those least likely to be able to maintain it. At a time one needs to be supported, they make a terrible friend. When tending to an ill family member, nursing a depression or living with chronic pain, one has little, if anything, to give. They feel unable to meet the reciprocity expected of friends. The shame and weight of one’s burdens may drive them to think: “Let me not bum my friends out and instead just hide away..” Such person doesn’t show up at their friend’s a birthday party with their dancing shoes on and a gift, they don't call to ask how was that trip. At such a time, one needs to be checked up on, tended to, and visited with. Their friends, who have their own lives, may not be able to carry all that. A crisis is therefore a strain that many individual friendships find challenging, if not impossible, to sustain. That is where community comes in. The distribution of weight among the fabric of community allows greater weight to be held while not one person has to do all that.

2. A temporary withdrawal may make a relationship irrecoverably fizzle away. (‘I missed their wedding, I cannot now call to say happy birthday.’) whereas the calendar of community events offers an easy way to jump back into the rhythm of things.

3. Lastly: Our friends tend to be like us. Community can offer a greater diversity across ethnicity, income, background, or age. That diversity can be a well not only of receiving but of giving, and therefore meaning. People at different age groups almost always have something to offer one another. Your gpt skills may not be much among your peers, but for an elder in your community, you can be a godsend. Your background practicing law for decades may not make you the life of the party, but for someone buying their first property, it will all that.

That’s just 3 ways Community > Friends, and I’ll leave it at that.

The Warp and Weft of Community Weaving

Different woven fabrics may look, feel and act differently, but all woven fabrics, by definition, have strands going horizontally and vertically, warp and weft.
Similarly- though successful communities may be different and even oppositional to one another in every other way, all of them share foundational similarities in what gives structure to their DNA. This is true to every successful community I partook and partake in- from my family, through my burning man community, to the House of 42, and the very many more I study and observe. Little did I know, my experience weaving community is of interest to many more.

An offering

About a week ago I posted a survey in the House of 42 community chat, asking who might be interested in a Community Ushering course (or as one jokingly suggested, Oshering). The response was surprising. For what I thought may be a niche lil offering within our community chat, a few dozen humans enthusiastically raised their hands.
and so, on the anniversary of my OG community, I am delighted to share that in Spring 2026 a Community Weaving course is coming your way.

Weaving community to me is about cultivating the feeling that makes a group of individuals- event attendants / employees / neighbors / clients / congregants or members of school / club / town / organization feel in communion with one another.
It is a feeling even those who have not experienced 42 get a taste of in our community chat. We will cover the principles of community, get practical about fostering yours and offer framework for addressing issues which may arise. Perhaps- over time- if we are lucky- we may bring together a community of community weavers. How META si that.

What it is not:

1. Not a leadership course. The people who usher a community need not be the ones leading it, though there is and should be much common ground to this Ven diagram. In the same way Earth is referred to as a feminine force across all cultures under the sun, I think of the principles guiding this course as leaning in the same direction the earth does.

2. Not a marketing course. So often the word Community is commoditized so let’s get clear on that: This is NOT a course in marketing. This is about weaving community out of existing strands, not about attracting your first few dozens or next few hundreds ones. Community done right will organically attract others, but growth is NOT what this course is about.

Who is it for: Individuals who are a part of a larger group of humans (recurring event attendants / employees / neighbors / clients / congregants / peers or members of school / club / town / organization) who are interested in and are in a position to cultivate community among them.

Who is it NOT for: If you are wondering where to find community or who your humans might be, we hear you. This course is not “Where to find my people” and is therefore is not for you. On the flip side: You are welcome to join one of our events and maybe find a community with us. Our New Year retreat is coming up :)

If this course is of interest, holler at your girl. We will roll more information soon to those who’ve raised their hands in our group and here on the stack. All contributions towards the course are tax deductible.

With love to all those working to build, maintain, and make villages thrive.

It has long been suggested that the legend of Santa Claus traces back to the shamanic traditions of Siberia, where red and white Amanita muscaria mushrooms were gathered during the winter solstice- the longest and darkest night of the year- and shared in ceremony. The shamans wore red and white like the mushrooms, entered homes through smoke holes when snow blocked the doors, carried the mushrooms in sacks, and dried them on pine branches in front of the fire in what gave way to stockings.

Thanks in part to the mushrooms psychedelic effects, the ritual would be remembered for its visions of light and gifts to all participants, albeit not tangible ones.

The local Reindeer often ate the same mushrooms (or licked the urine of those who had consumed them) and were observed to behave in jerky, leaping ways. Furthermore the shamans whose drums were made of reindeer hide, claimed to journey in spirit or ‘ride’ the reindeer during their mushroom‑induced trance, linking the animal to transport between realms.

These are but some of the main shared elements between the ancient solstice ritual and what later became Christmas. (If you know or can think of more, holler)

A red and white clad magical man, entering through alternative entryways, delivering gifts and bringing light in the dead of winter, with stockings hanging by the fire and stories of flying reindeer… Echoes of an ancient ritual adapted to a non-shamanic culture, and later somewhat hijacked by a materialistic one.

This is NOT a dis on any one culture or religion. Much like Hanukkah- this time of year has long been marked by celebrations of light.
This is but invitation to come back to that.
The holidays season in the western world became synonym with shopping, consumption and - stress. One cannot go online or walk by a place of business without being assaulted with aggressive marketing and recurring ads from every direction.

Whatever your background may be, this holiday season- do your nervous system a favor and consider taking a less traveled path, one that is less focused on 3D gifts and more on inner ones, perhaps more aligned with the holiday’s shamanic origins and intention.

An invitation.

Aligned with the OG spirit of this time of year- we will gather in our new ceremonial home in the Catskills, on 123 acres of lush mountain lands, complete with magical amenities, beautiful accommodations, and one 60’ diameter, 35’ tall mothership dome, (size matters) to welcome the new year playfully and intentionally, in grounded presence. Join us. Invite here.

Yesterday, I cried.
I’m no hero. I just thought I’d share about it.

Perhaps in preparation to entering a chapter of service, I had to clear my own cache. Sitting in a café, I felt a wave of deep tenderness wash over me. I scanned my emotional landscape. Nothing “new” has happened. And yet, and yet.

Existing things just came to surface and demanded to be seen and felt, and my being- witnessed and held. I walked out of the café to the waterfront, took my shoes off and planted my feet in the ground. I breathed.

Generally, in my personal life and in work alike, I find that listing areas of tenderness (or overwhelm/ hurt/ fear/ confusion, etc) is more often than not a good place to start. So I did just that. The themes that emerged;

• The aches of holding space for the irrecoverable loss of the last two years.

• Witnessing how while the war has ended this conflict in the middle east feels endless.

• The canyon-like gap in narrative between people in my world and their conviction that leaves no possibility for dialogue.

• Gently holding the inquiry of what it means to be a Jewish and an Israeli-born person in the healing arts in this moment.

• The devastating condition of my father, grandfather of 34 soon 35 and great grandfather of 5 who is here and not here.

• The heartbreaking effect of my father’s condition on my mother, his beloved of over half a century. It is easier to grieve the dead than the living.

• The prayer for my father’s suffering to end and for them both to be set free.

• The tender prayer in my heart to be a mother and the humbling uncertainties of approaching this exploration while not currently being in a relationship. None of this comes with a manual.

• Lastly- I am about to come out of my warm and comfortable Miami bubble to NY for my first Catskills residency, to lay foundation towards building a home and community there and while this is a positive thing, it too brings some tenderness of being the new kid on the block.

Having witnessed all the themes myself, I was then fortunate to be witnessed by teachers and friends near and far, one even walked from his home in the middle of his work day to give me a hug. I then had a sauna, got an IV and at the end of the day brought it all to the mat, and left it there.

On the other side of my tender day I feel lighter, softer, more present + grounded.
I am better for having lived through this day.

I hope this share is of service to some of you reading.

IN the body

There is a rather common idea that spirituality is this disembodied thing, which happens in the ethers, far outside our 3D bodies. Sure there is that too.
AND. I believe that lived spirituality is deeply embodied, through the body and not outside of it, present to all its nuance as a vessel to and of the great beyond.

Feeling stuck energy? MOVE IT.

Re: writing

I haven’t been regularly writing on substack in a moment. It feels good to come back to writing by offering a vulnerable share. There is much in the pipeline that I look forward to writing in the weeks and months to come.

If any of my posts invokes something in you, please restack/ like / comment / share www.Osher.blog with others. Substack algorithm is unkind to writers in the area of altered states. Normalizing a grounded conversation about these topics is a big part of how we bring this work out of the shadows and closer to more who need it.
Better self is not the end goal of self work. Better self is the beginning of tending to something greater than ourselves. Humanity needs all hands on deck.

Share Life After the Womb

PS If you want to schedule a private ceremony or join one of our upcoming events, check www.Houseof42.org or get in touch.

I’ll start from the end: I will not rent a place on shelter island. Instead, I plan to build a home in the Catskills mountains, and- god/universe willing- have a child here. YEP. You can be done reading now. And- if interested; below is the deliberately long story of what brought me to this place.

JoyFest: a picture story.

Today 9/28 is my birthday. Exactly two years ago I came to these very mountains at the end of September to celebrate the joint birthday of myself and the medicines I cultivate. We called it JoyFest.

JoyFest was the stuff of dreams. Friends gathered from near and far. We had 123 acres of lush land all to ourselves with the nicest amenities. It was a celebration free of alcohol and other dissociatives such as ketamine and full of LIFE. See a picture story below.

We proceeded to dance to the sounds of VanJee till the wee hours of the morning.

Before morning we gathered back in the sanctuary for a live concert by my priestess sister Scarlett de la Torre. We closed that perfect weekend with a beautiful brunch and we all went our separate ways that Sunday on high notes.

I was leaving to Germany to serve one very special ceremony and was scheduled to come back to town by October 6th for a birthday and to speak at a psychedelics conference. Our intention was to add closed captions to the video we showcased at JoyFest and to launch House of 42 inaugural fundraising campaign on the weekend of October 7.

and then the music stopped.

Exactly one week after JoyFest October 7th happened. We never launched our planned fundraising campaign. Grieving and in shock, I felt something within me broke. Two years into a war that is tragically still ongoing, things have never let up and in fact got much worse in many ways. In these two years, I, like many other Jewish and Israeli people, have found mere existence to be increasingly challenging, let alone existing while carrying medicine. At first, our pain was denied or justified, then we found ourselves held accountable for pain done in our name by a government I like many others did not elect.

Move to Miami: Time without temple

A few months into the war I took a break from having a medicine temple, and decided to focus primarily on my process. I left my temple in Northern California and moved to Miami. Read here why Miami.

Thanks to a dear sister, my landing in Miami could not be any smoother. I moved into a waterfront apt on the quiet island of Key Biscayne only 22 minutes from Miami beach but worlds away. I was still holding private and group ceremonies albeit far less often and not in my home.

At the summer of 2024 I sat 6 weeks in a silent medicine dieta in order to bring resolve to this area of my heart. It helped. and. As the suffering continues so does my heartbreak. After some 18 months without a temple I was ready to be a custodian of a temple again and do my part to alleviate suffering and help bring about peace, without and within.

Calling in a temple

Ask and you shall receive alright. As soon as the readiness for temple materialized, a temple showed up. I was offered a beautiful architectural marvel on shelter island with a private dock waterfront and some 1800 acres of natural preserve as its back yard. This home was magical in more ways than I can name here. After discussing with my team, I said yes. The 42 community rejoiced: private ceremonies were about to resume. Yet I had two nagging concerns: 1- This place didn’t offer room for group gatherings which are so needed and 2- I am deeply committed to keeping this work accessible and I was worried the economics of this place would price some individuals out. I tucked my concerns aside and went with what felt like a YES.

In preparation for the upcoming move, I canceled a community event which was planned for today- the joint birthday of this avatar and the medicine. Instead, I said yes to coming to celebrate the jewish new year in the Catskills mountains, at the same retreat center where we celebrated JoyFest two years ago. Little did I know, this small shift in the timeline was a precursor to a much greater shift.

(A piece of deeply personal background)

I have deep connection to children and always thought I was going to be a mother. I have 34, soon 35 nephews and nieces- (no cousins, nephews and nieces- my siblings’ children) and a little cohort of god-children. I also work with children and consider it to be the most sacred aspect of my work. A couple of years ago I froze my eggs (an experience so surprisingly easeful I wish I got to it earlier). I didn't know if I will take on the adventure of motherhood without being in a committed relationship. Moving to shelter island certainly meant delaying this inquiry at best, and possibly releasing it altogether.

A wake up call

A week before my birthday and the day before the jewish new year I was contemplating this very inquiry, when I got a call from a soul brother of mine. Without any prompt from my side he launched into this very personal topic. “What happened to your prayer of becoming a mother??” He asked. But he didn’t just ask. He held mirror to how doubt took a hold of me and threw me of my center. He called me out to come back to my prayer. My intention heading into the new year was to do just that.

Let go and let god: THE update

2 years almost to the day after JoyFest, I came back at the very same land and retreat center where we celebrated it, only this time to celebrate the new year. In these two years I haven’t held a single group gathering in NY.
During that same time, the retreat center where we last gathered in a large group, has built a dome 60’ in diameter and some 35’ tall. Size matters.
As new year’s eve was unfolding I was struck by a number of differences from the home I was planned to move into but days later: Community, accessibility, children.
1. Community: On 123 acres of land and many structures on it, the retreat center I am in allowed for community gatherings, which I knew the 42 community needed. As a community we ought to commune.
2. Accessibility: I feel strongly committed to keeping this work financially accessible to those in need. Here- the multitude of accommodations tiers allowed the group work to remain accessible to those in need.
3. Children: My social circle in shelter island and the Hamptons either had no kids or their kids were older. Here young kids are a part of the community fabric.

On new year’s day I had an experience that was as real as me typing here now. I was outside new and old friends, overlooking the sprawling hills, a fall sun was gracing us, fireplace was going. Then: A voice from somewhere just behind me said: HERE. An inner feeling immediately followed: I am to build a home here. I am to welcome a child into the world here. I articulated my wish to move here to the custodians of this land and the path has been opened in the most welcoming of ways. I will live here while I build a home here. Our community will gather here. and- I will embark on a journey to bear a child here. in 2026, amen and inshallah.

The mothership has landed

In light of the update to the timeline I have extended my stay and today, 9/28, the joint birthday of myself and the medicine, I was in ceremony with my dear friend and custodian of this land. A herd of deers surrounded the 60’ dome for the entirety of the afternoon, in what felt like a welcoming committee. Here I can really up my game in Tikkun Olam, world repair. Join me if called.

Upcoming events and more:

Thanksgiving gratitude retreat: We will gather for a medicine-free gratitude retreat. The intention is to welcome families. We plan to keep price point at 3 figure a head to make it as accommodating as can be for families to attend.

New year’s eve retreat: Plan to welcome 2026 with us in the most grounded and intentional of ways.

also: Private ceremonies are to resume.

In 2026 we will launch House of 42’s first Space Holding course, for humans of all walks of life. Additional modules will be offered to medicine servers and 42 servers to be.

To receive updates on all that and more: Drop your email at www.Houseof42.org

(We hope to soon update that 2 year old video, which serves as a reminder to a part of us that was by the grace of trauma was suspended in time. One thing at a time.)

I find that the learnings that arise from the collection of these analogies have served my creative process, and I hope they will serve yours.

1: Creativity as surfing/ Yours truly

For as long as I can remember, I think that creativity is much like surfing. Wind to surfing is like the creative spirit to creativity. Both activities depend on a condition I believe to be external to ourselves. The creative spirit moves through us, but is not of us. Engaging in the creative act when the creative spirit doesn’t move through you is as futile as going surfing when there is no wind. On the other hand — when there IS wind, you better be ready to get out there and engage with it.

AND: The creative process, like surfing, requires uninterrupted time. If one was to go into the water knee-deep only to come out, then back in, out again and so on, even if they spent days going in and out, they’ll get little surfing done, if any at all. Catching waves requires staying in the water. Similarly- the creative process requires staying in it. Multitasking and frequent pings from the outside world interrupt the creative process, let alone if any ADD- or ADHD-like patterns are at play (which is the case for many people if not most). In that way, the creative process, like sleep, is phase-based. The second hour of sleep is different from the first, and so on. No one tries sleeping in intervals of minutes, in between other tasks. We will be wise to apply the same logic to our creative processes: Long intervals of uninterrupted time allow us to go deep.

2. Creativity as sailing/ Yuval Noah Harari

Yuval Noah Harari uses a strikingly similar analogy to describe the creative process:

“I try to sail with the winds of the mind, not against them. When I feel a creative wind is blowing, I put aside all other chores, hoist my sails and focus on my most creative tasks. When I feel there is no wind blowing, I don’t try to force myself to create, and instead I answer emails, pay bills, wash the dishes, and take care of other dreary but necessary stuff. It took me a long time to adopt this style of working. Originally I tried to control the winds instead of sailing with them.”
— Yuval Noah Harari.

The similarity in both our analogies, as well as in other ideas echoed independently by different people speaks to the idea that ALL ART IS CHANNELED. and: If one is not ready with their sail/surfboard to catch a certain wind, someone else will.

3. Creativity as fishing (1)/ Steve Jobs

“When fishermen cannot go to sea they repair nets”. — Steve Jobs

This quote, which is attributed to Steve Jobs, like the two analogies before it, acknowledges that creativity requires certain conditions in order to exist. Instead of focusing on the creative act, this brief quote speaks of its downtime. Similarly to Yuval Noah Harari’s notion, it argues that when creatives cannot engage in the creative act, they better engage in the activities that ready them to engage in the creative act—i.e. repairing their nets.

4. Creativity as fishing (2)/ Terence McKenna

Speaking of fishing nets, I close with my favorite quote regarding creativity:

“The creative act is letting down the net of human imagination into the ocean of chaos on which we are suspended, and the attempt to bring out of it ideas.
It is the night sea journey, the lone fisherman on a tropical sea with his nets, and you let these nets down — sometimes, something tears through them that leaves them in shreds and you just row for shore, and put your head under your bed and pray.
At other times what slips through are the minutiae, the minnows of this ichthyological metaphor of idea-chasing.
But, sometimes, you can actually bring home something that is FOOD, food for the human community that we can sustain ourselves on and go forward.”
— Terence McKenna

So many aspects of creativity are packed into this beautifully articulated analogy: From the innate solitude of the creative act, through its chaotic and unpredictable ways and the minutiae that sometimes comes through, all the way to creativity’s ultimate purpose: “Food for the human community to sustain ourselves on and go forward.” Amen.

***

I hope this lil collection of analogies around creativity supports your creativity and engagement in the creative process. If this or other ideas around creativity have been meaningful to your creative process, please comment/like/restack/share on other platforms.
The substack has a way of muting writers who cover altered states, which is certainly a topic I write about. As I prepare to start a new chapter in which I build a home (more on that very soon) and write more regularly, I lovingly invite all feedback and engagement.

(A personal note: Though my work with altered states isn’t centered on addiction recovery, it’s a thread that runs through 20–50% of the people I work with. I share this perspective not as an addiction specialist, but as someone who has seen remarkable outcomes. Of the hundreds I’ve held space to who were dealing with addiction, well over 90% did not relapse, and went on to become Sovereign.).

We fail addicts

A decade-long cross-sectional study of some 657,583 participants conducted between 2013 and 2023 shows that substance use disorder has been on a steep incline, demonstrating how the tools offered to combat addiction largely fall short. The most common recipe society offers addicts is sobriety. It is a recipe that is as old as time (“You want to do it? Don’t!”) which doesn’t work for most. We ought to do better.

Background: Sober living

The concept of a sober lifestyle has been present for centuries, often associated with religious or cultural practices that advocate abstinence from alcohol and drugs.
Sober lifestyle gained significant prominence in the 20th century with the rise of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and other recovery movements, which promote sobriety as a way of life for individuals struggling with addiction.

AA, Carl Jung and the Key component that got lost along the way.

Few people know that renowned Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst Carl Jung had a direct influence on the formation of Alcoholic Anonymous.

Roland Hazard was an American businessman who struggled with alcoholism in the early 1930s and had sought help from various doctors and treatment programs, Jung among them.
In 1931 Hazard met Jung and asked for his help in getting sober. Jung refused to take Hazard on as a client. When Hazard asked for an explanation, Jung said something that took Hazard by surprise. Jung told Hazard that his chances of getting sober were slim unless he had a “vital spiritual experience.”

Hazard returned to the United States and eventually got in touch with Bill Wilson. Wilson was a recovering alcoholic who in 1934 had a spiritual experience while being hospitalized for his alcoholism. That experience was key to Wilson’s sobriety, yet he thought of it as a personal coincidence or a fluke, not something that could be replicated, let alone incorporated into a sobriety program. When Hazard and Wilson met in 1935 Hazard shared Jung’s idea of a spiritual experience as a key to recovery and Wilson had a big AHA moment. Wilson went on to establish AA’s 12-step program that very year, where the acknowledgment of and connection to something greater than self is foundational to the recovery of self. Or at least, it was.

12 steps became about sobriety, as did most programs

Some 90 years after its establishment, AA gave way to NA (narcotics anonymous) and countless others 12 steps programs. The influence of these 12 steps programs is so great, it is impossible to count the number of meetings held let alone the number of lives affected by them.
The popularity of the 12 steps movement has required it to downplay the core aspect of vital spiritual experience in favor of more replicable elements, such as group support. Empty rooms and free coffee are much easier to come by than spiritual awakenings, after all. Even the very foundational serenity prayer, in many circles lost its “God” opening.

Some of the ways sobriety falls short.

1. To many, complete abstinence of ALL things is just not attainable.
   Research finds that while most US treatment and recovery services are abstinence-based, two in three adults in recovery reported alcohol or other drugs use within a month prior to survey. Other relapse rates average around 80%, that is four out of five humans. Sure- some things are to completely abstain from. The only right amount of Heroin for one to have is NONE. But a person in recovery may foster a healthy relationship with serotonergic psychedelics, for example. Because serotonergic psychedelics aren’t habit-forming, cannot lead to overdose, and can, in fact, help one heal from addiction- Ibogaine perhaps most well known for it, many feel that psychedelics do not defy sobriety. (A term which describes sober + psychedelics is “California sober” (not a joke), initially coined by vice writer Michelle Lhooq).

2. Beyond substances, behaviors.
   The main two categories of addiction are substance addiction and behavioral addictions. Sobriety has limited application to the later. Behavioral addictions, which include food, social media, gaming, porn, gambling, shopping etc- are some of the stickiest addictions out there. Abstinence may be a wonderful goal when it comes to substances and even some behaviors such as gambling, yet complete abstinence is not attainable when it comes to behaviors that are necessary aspects of one’s life as such food, internet use, or sex. In such cases one has to be able to arrive at a healthy relationship with said behavior- a far more delicate act than completely cutting the behavior, as it still requires ongoing engagement with and management of (former) triggers.

That TED talk

A few years back a largely wonderful TED talk by Johann Hari hit the circuits. It had the dazzling click bait title “Everything you know about addiction is wrong.” (Really? Everything everyone knows about this topic is wrong?)
Title aside, it made some good points. It questioned basic drug policies and misconceptions about the role of chemical dependency. It went on to quote prof. Bruce Alexander’s research with rats, showing how almost nearly 100% of rats who are given access to heroin water will overdose and die, whereas in a “rat park” with other rats and tunnels and cheese and toys, rats rarely overdose. It goes on to conclude “The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection.” Catchy sentence. I believe connection certainly holds a key as to how one might come out of addiction. I believe the opposite of addiction however is something much simpler.

Sovereignty > Sobriety.

Having seen hundreds of people come out of addiction, I believe the opposite of addiction is not sobriety, but sovereignty. Sovereignty, as a north star, addresses the aforementioned limitations of sobriety and moreover- focuses on what YES, instead of what not. In lieu of what we move away from, what we move towards.

Define: Sovereignty.
Sovereignty: Having full autonomy over one’s choices and actions. A sovereign being is self governing, free from external control.
Sovereign living means not having anything- a person, a substance or a behavior- govern one’s free will.

Sovereign is an absolute: Sovereignty is binary. Like pregnancy. One is either pregnant, or they’re not. No one trying to have a child ever asked to be “a little more pregnant”. Such is Sovereignty. Aim not to be “more” Sovereign, but a Sovereign being.

Wider applicability: Sovereignty provides lens through which one can examine their relationships with other aspects of life, including people, groups, organizations and ideas. The sovereign minded is not only less likely to find themselves in addiction but also less likely to end up in a cult or in an unhealthy pattern.

Moving towards Sovereignty

The goal of this article is to define an attainable goal to move towards. I suggest Sovereignty as a North Star. I don’t attempt to provide a map, because well- while north remains north, the path ahead looks different for everyone, depending on where one is. Some- like Carl Jung suggested, will need a spiritual awakening. Some, as John Hari suggests, will find it in connection. Some as Gabor Mate preaches, will go to heal childhood trauma. The three are not mutually exclusive and more often than not, altered states done right with proper integration can help bring about all three.

My experience aligns with all these teachers and many more: To come out of addiction one has to tend to both roots and branches.
Roots: Underlying cause. Tend to the pain, the trauma, the disconnection. Fill the void.
Branches: Outward expression. Find something greater than self to move towards - community/ purpose/ service.

May all beings be sovereign.

Trigger warning: Elsar’s background story includes mention of violence.

Elsar’s Background/ About me

I am one of the producers of Nova. On October 7th, I encountered terrorists several times. They shot at me and my partner at close range, and I saw friends murdered in front of me, some even receiving RPGs into their cars. Over 40 of my personal friends and employees were murdered that day. 378 people died and 44 were kidnapped, from the festival alone. It was a long and horrendous day whose horrors are too dark for words.

On October 8th, I returned to the party area and Route 232 with my partner to find friends, with the help of a rescue team. I saw unimaginable horrors and helped identify the bodies of my friends and find their remains.

Since the attack, I’ve been living with deep trauma that accompanies me every day. I’ve experienced severe rage attacks, lack of sleep, deep sadness, flashbacks, and a disconnection from myself and my emotions. I felt like I was constantly on the verge of boiling over, disconnected, and just pushing forward, always distracting myself by doing things.

Me and the Fire / My DMT Experience

It all began with a precise encounter the universe sent my way.

I was giving a tour at the Re’im parking lot, where the festival has taken place, and sharing my testimony. Toward the end, when I spoke about the Nova Heaven project at Burning Man, a woman approached me. I’ll call her Rachel, because that is her name. She reminded me we had a Zoom call before the Burn, where she wanted to see how she could support and get involved. After the testimony, we talked about the project, and seeing my state she told me about Fire medicine and connected me to Osher.

I didn’t fully understand what it was all about, but I immediately felt that a door had opened for me. A door I was both afraid of and deeply wanted to walk through.

The alignment continued. Osher, by chance, arrived in Israel just a few days later. We arranged to meet on Sunday, March 30, 2025.

I was going through a very difficult time — I was dealing with episodes of debilitating rage and frustration that were causing me physical and emotional pain. I was constantly pushing myself, overwhelmed with projects, not giving myself a moment. Not touching the pain.

That Sunday, I met Osher for the first time. She explained the Fire and the ceremony, and asked me to choose what I wanted to give to the Fire. I sat down, breathed deeply, with fear and hesitation.

I opened my heart — mostly to myself — something that has very rarely happened since Nova.

I chose to give the Fire my anger, the rage in my body, and the frustration from everything happening in the world.

Fire ceremony

Enter: ceremony. Inside it, I traveled through tunnels of challenges and relationships — between me and myself, and between me and others.

In each tunnel, I released something.

In each tunnel, my consciousness pushed me even deeper, toward a hidden, more difficult release that created even more space.

A journey of years condensed into a few minutes.

Toward the end, I released something enormous.

A release so deep that I felt a fresh, vast space open up inside me.

A space that allows me to fill it with whatever I choose.

Slowly, sensation returned to my body.

And when it came back, it returned with wholeness.

With calm.

With a true sense of control — one that comes from a sincere and complete place within myself.

Life ever after

Immediately after my fire ceremony, my rage has significantly dropped and had since vanished.

I no longer experience the same blind outbursts. I’m aware when they start to rise, and I feel more free in how I choose to respond.

For the first time since October 7th I was able to revisit with my partner the long path we have gone through on that traumatic day and bring closure to my experience.

The Fire also gave me other gifts. I have mental clarity.

I am able to notice my internal processes — sometimes even observing them from the outside.

A capacity that was a part of me before Nova and had disappeared, is returning.

Patience has also returned to me. Patience that now influences my decisions and choices.

With it, I’ve made several important and blessed decisions in my life — from a more mature and whole place.

I used to be debilitated by rage. Rage is no longer a part of me.

3 months later, I’m in a monastery in Thailand, doing a month-long course in Qi Gong and Kung Fu.

This brief yet potent Fire ceremony and Osher have played an enormous part in bringing me to where I’m at.

I spent that day serving medicine to Eva, a severely suicidal 13 year old. She was:

1. The youngest person I have served medicine to at the time.

2. The single most self harming person I have ever come across.

While the age record has since been broken a few times over (I have since worked with kids as young as 9 years old), I have yet to meet a person more self harming than Eva was. More on that soon. It has been 4 years since and Eva, like all other teenagers I have worked with, has not gone back to self harming.

But first: a word of great caution

While I have seen great success in the teenagers I have worked with, I DO NOT recommend serving medicine to teenagers, quite the opposite. Serving teenagers requires a great deal more than safe space holding by a good practitioner. I urge desperate parents and eager practitioners alike to exercise great caution as these processes are inherently different in a unique way and things CAN go wrong. This topic warrants its own article, which I will publish soon. Subscribe (it’s free) if you haven’t yet, to receive that article.

This is the story of one of the dozens of kids I have worked with. Eva was at the time going by a chosen name which she had since let go of, so I stick to Eva.

Eva’s background

Eva’s story was brought to my attention through a good friend of her father who was deeply familiar with the family’s suffering.

Every single inch of Eva’s body was covered in cuts and wounds at varying levels of recency. Literally every inch she has access to had cuts. Eva’s cutting got so severe her family took out any all knives and sharp objects out of the home. They lived this way for years. Imagine living without knives- unable to prepare food or open a package.. in the absence of knives, Eva found ways to break glass and sharpen plastic in order to cut herself with it, often causing infection in the process.

Eva found many other creative ways to self harm: She had been known to jump out of moving vehicles, run into traffic, bang her head in tiled walls to the point of concussion, pull her own hair causing bald spots and swallow whatever pills she could get her hands on.

Eva spent her days in and out of ERs, mental wards and PHP- partial hospitalization programs. Every single mental ward and PHP she was admitted to ended up dismissing her as a patient as they said not only they could not help her but she was a liability- advising the other kids how to self-harm more effectively. Some institutions took legal action to claim their right to refuse Eva as a patient. The situation was bad. Her family was struggling to get by.

To make matters worse, Eva held tremendous rage towards her father and refused to as much as talk to him. This rage felt bigger than this life. It seemed that all agreed that all he did was try to keep her alive.

The place

When on the road, the ideal place to serve medicine in is a clean beautiful home with access to nature, a place which offer spaciousness and privacy, safety and intimacy. Due to Eva’s severe self harming, however, there was not many places we could go. The place where we worked had to be cleared from any objects Eva could use to self harm- knives, sharp objects, alcohol, medications, vases, toiletries and some artifacts all had to be removed prior to Eva’s arrival.

The very family friend who introduced me to Eva’s family has very kindly offered his family home. They have worked tirelessly in the days prior to prepare their home and went away for the weekend to make this engagement possible.

The days before

I was visiting the east coast for work from my then home in California when Eva’s situation came to my awareness. Due to the unique nature of Eva’s condition, following conversations with the family and with Eva, I agreed to clear my schedule and change my travel plans in order to work with Eva that weekend before returning home.

I’ll share more about the preparation and integration processes in the upcoming teenagers + psychedelics piece, (working title) I’m gonna publish.

Despite being under 24/7 loving care of her family, Eva’s last attempts (multiple) at self harm were on Thursday. I could not get on a call with Eva that day so I sent a message that I asked her mother to convey to her. She did. Eva agreed to meet me the next day, with the intention to continue into a ceremony the following day if she and I both agreed to it.

Eva and I met on Friday at home of the family who offered her home for this engagement. Eva came with her mom, who will stay with us the next two nights and remain nearby for the entirety of the process, should we go through with it.

When I met with Eva she was checked out as they come. Like many other kids in her condition, here was a kid so far outside of her body. Not only was she lost and away from home, she perceived her “home” to be taken over and unsafe to return to. Following our conversation Eva and I agreed to work together.

Day of ceremony: a picture story

Below is Eva’s self portrait at 9:33am, just before opening ceremony.

Below is Eva’s self portrait 10:58am, less than 90 minutes into her ceremony.

Below is Eva’s self portrait at 12:21pm, less than 3 hours into our day.

Shortly after this painting I asked Eva how does she feel about her father, whom in the years prior to ceremony she was experiencing immense rage towards and refuse to interact with. Eva paused and said: “I love him, I forgive him. He’s good people.” I asked her if she minded if we wrote him or send him an audio message. She suggested we video call him, which we did. Eva said: “Hey dad I love you, I’m sorry..” Her dad who hasn’t as much as heard his daughter refer to him as “Dad” for years, let alone declare her love towards him, cried like I never heard grown man cry before or since.

The rest of the day was lovely. Eva’s mom had joined us and Eva reconnected with with light hearted themes again like fashion and self expression- a sharp contradiction to her then wardrobe of oversized dark sweats she grew used to hiding in.

Life thereafter.

In the years that passed since ceremony Eva did not self harm or need hospitalization. Eva has gone back to her given name. She resumed her education and is now a senior in high school, her family home has knives again… Eva has friends and she swims regularly. To support her integration, her family neighbors who are empty nesters, have re-activated their pool and maintain it so that the young mermaid can swim next to home and at no cost.

Many of Eva’s medications were eliminated and the remaining were drastically reduced and that has had a positive effect as well. Eva is planning on going to college to earn her degree in Special Education and Psychology and then earn her masters. She has a job as a hostess, she is learning to drive with the hope to get her license this fall. She has a boyfriend who is a nice guy too. She is also planning to play field hockey for her senior year which is a big goal for her.

Eva still moves through the normal teenager stuff but the family is nowhere near where they were 4 years ago.

Working with Eva has opened me to working with many more teenagers. This day ended up saving dozens more young lives and give hope to countless more.

More soon on my work with the delicate and much in need population. Till then, xoxo.

When people ask: “How do I become a space holder?” My answer often begins with a version of: “Step zero: Get really well.”

I wrote here before about emotional hygiene, which is a practice not limited to space holders. This one is for y’all who (wish to) hold space in some professional capacity.

Lighthouses

Holding space in any professional, responsible, and sustainable capacity is much like becoming a human lighthouse.

A lighthouse is coastal tower that emits light to guide ships safely through dangerous waters and into harbor—once essential for navigation, now a backup to electronic systems and a symbol of guidance.

To work effectively, lighthouses need two things:

1. Light. A very bright one.

2. House, whose foundations run deeeeep.

When we aspire to be lighthouses to others, we often focus on the first, the shiny bright light part. It’s the sexier part of its name and function, after all.

Bright light is needed. When light travels through water, water molecules scatter the light and absorb it. The deeper the water, the more the light fades. So yes—shine bright, baby. And.

When we look at lighthouses, what we don’t see is the less glamorous part. The pilings that are drilled deep into the earth, anchoring the structure through tides and storms while water and sand constantly shift beneath it. That crucial part is also often overlooked when becoming a human lighthouse.

When we see a practitioner of the healing arts, a human lighthouse of sorts, we may think: “I can be empathetic. I can sit in silence. I can offer breathwork/ meditation/ sound. I can serve medicine. I can even go on a retreat and get a certificate!”

But what we don’t see, and should deeply consider, is how deep do their pilings run. What keeps them from burning out, from taking on others’ energies, from succumbing to ego and losing their ground?

We must ask: What is their personal background and lineage? How are their relationships? Do they have a solid practice to return to? Have they done, and do they continue to do, their shadow work? How steady are they through tides and storms? Look not only at their trainings—but at their initiations.

When holding space for others in any professional capacity, we must check ourselves with the same level of scrutiny. And continue to do so—before, during, and after. If drama, conspiracy theories, savior complex, unhinged shadow and the like are still present, there’s work to be done before professionally being in service to others.

"Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining." — Anne Lamott

If you ever asked me: “What does it take to become a 42 server?”
And didn’t get a short answer—this is why. I myself moved through the world with medicine sharing and holding space for over a decade, before taking a first paid client. How long we still have to walk depends on how far we’ve already come.

and I continue to do my work. Just last night I returned from a 10 day medicine dieta with ayahuasca in the Brazilian amazon, an experience I plan to write about come time. As I was making the long journey home, I learned that my beautiful newborn grandniece has passed. She was less than a month old. Receiving tragic news immediately after a big process can feel like being punched on a new post op stitches. I don’t feel like the tragic news impeded my process. Instead, having tended to my foundations allows me more capacity to be with this tender grief, which is why sharing this note today felt timely.

Let us be the best lighthouses we can be.
Let us tend to our foundations just as much, if not more than we do to our light.

In more words: If you have to ask how to do any one of these activities solo, perhaps it’s better you don’t engage with them by yourself quite yet. For your first few times in the driver seat of a car or of an altered state experience, you may want to have a more experienced fellow next to you to show you around, and to be of support should things get real. Because they might.

When people ask: “How to journey on my own?” more often than not they really ask: “How to guarantee I have a successful experience?” AKA avoid a bad or challenging trip.

Asking for guidance to avoid a challenging trip is much like asking: “How do I swim so I never drown?” One way to avoid drowning is to stay bone dry and never go near water. But that’s hella boring. So here are two answers.

(Answer 1) To minimize chances of drowning, become a really good swimmer. Learn in a pool before jumping in the ocean. Know the currents. And, in the open sea, have a lifeguard watching out for you. Similarly—before jumping solo into the ocean of altered state, consider training with more experienced altered state explorers and guides. Once you’ve gained sufficient experience, go explore.

Just like we don’t teach people remotely how to swim—because we cannot remotely help them in case of a challenge—I intentionally don’t widely give prescriptions on how to solo journey. The confidence to do so better rest on a level of readiness and/or enough experience. Which is where a deeper answer lies, at least for some of you. Bear with me.

(Answer 2) Some never pauses to ask “How to solo journey?” Some just dove-in head first, as naturally as a baby who takes to swimming fresh out the womb. I, as many reading, am in this camp.

I used to live in the Netherlands (en ik spreek Nederlands) where they literally throw fully clothed first graders, with their 🎒school backpacks on, into a pool of very cold water. Sounds sadistic? The Netherlands is famous for its canals which freeze in the winter, and people of all ages can skate on them. Throwing fully clothed children with their backpack on into freezing water is meant to teach them to swim (and not go into shock) should they walk on a frozen canal and the ice broke under them. Dutch people don’t just teach kids how to swim in their swimsuit in lukewarm water. These people mean business. They teach kids, in real world conditions, how not to die.

My learning path with mushrooms was more like the Dutch way of teaching kids how to swim. From the first time I got my hands on mushrooms, over two decades of dancing with them through life, it was me and my m&m: mushrooms and music. 🎶 As far as dosage went, early on I threw myself off of a cliff into the stormy waves of a cold open ocean 🌊, with a lot more than a backpack strapped to my back. It taught me to swim, alright. And I know this was my path to walk in order for 42 to be born. To tell you that I advise anyone else to follow in my footsteps? Absolutely not. Things got way real.

So yea, I intentionally don’t focus on prescribing set, setting, and dosage, because that is just the dress-up. Every amateur can prescribe that. Medicine is but a conditioner. The real real is how to detangle the knots that will rise to the surface.

What does one do when trauma arises? How does one move stuck energy? What to do if one finds themselves in resistance—or worse yet—what to do if/when looping? This is where the focus lies. If you feel the confidence to take on that exploration—blessings on your journey, darling. Prepare properly, make the time and space, be in conversation with self and the medicine about dosage, have an experienced loved one check on you, at least upon closing. Be sure to close well. Upon closing, call yourself to your body and to the present moment. And I cannot say this enough: integrate well.

1. Children and high people are not very different.

2. Holding space for children and high people is not very different.

I (playfully) share below some space holding principles I find to work for both children and high people, in no particular order:

• Keep them alive

• Remind them to drink

• The highest form of presence is PLAY

• It is also the highest form of research

• PLAY. 🎲

• Stuck energy is just that, stuck. Help them move it.

• Let them process their own emotions

• Teach them to regulate their own nervous system.

• You are not more evolved, you just got here sooner.

• Discomfort is on the menu. Teach them to breathe through it. 🫁

• If you are uncomfortable around purges of any kind, this gig may not be for you.

• The chance of stains is not zero

• Crying may be 80% of any day 😭

• Laughing may be 80% of any day 😂

• Don’t intervene unless necessary

• Let them be loud

• Let them be messy

• They may need help making it to the bathroom

• Music is a guide 🎶

• Changes of outfit are a thing 👘🧣

• Teach them to reign their own attention

• Art supplies may come in handy 🎨🖌️

• Musical instruments may come in handy 🪕🎻

• Their questions are theirs to answer

• You are here to reflect 🪞

• Don’t f$#% them

• Seriously, don’t.

• No one cares for preaching

• Look them in the eye 👁️ and speak truth at a level they can receive it

• Your presence is your greatest offering

• At times, it may be the only one

• There may be role playing

• Water is your friend🚰

• It is not about you

• Temperature management is a part of the job

• Show, don’t tell

• Metaphors allow them to create their own meaning

• Teaching them how to fish 🎣 > Handing them fish 🐟

• Animals may stop by. Welcome them. 🦉

• Textures, smells, shapes and other minutiae may carry meaning beyond your capacity to comprehend. ☁️

• You are not their savior

• They don’t need saving

• Foster sovereignty.

• Your every word can have a lifelong impact. Handle yourself accordingly.

• Agency is the name of the game

• Allow time to do nothing ⏳

• Stay out of their way

• Allow them to do the same for themselves

• Return the same number of avatars you have received

• Release them to society better than you have received them

Share with a person who holds space for children and / or high people.

We’ve all seen the images of “The brain on psychedelics,” where the brain 🧠 seems as lit up as a Christmas tree:

These images imply that the entire brain is more connected under psychedelics. That’s mostly true—with one not-so-small detail.

The brain on psychedelics actually reduces activity in one specific network: the Default Mode Network (DMN), while experiencing hyperconnectivity in other areas. The DMN is the brain Self referential hub, it comes online around age five and is active during periods of rest. It’s the network thought to facilitate the construct of “Self” capital S, as it is linked to thoughts around identity and inner narrative. It’s also been found to be particularly overactive in conditions like depression, anxiety, OCD, and more.

To understand how serotonergic psychedelics work, consider the following analogy:

Think of your brain as a large metropolis city. The Default Mode Network is like its busiest streets; jammed with traffic, even when not much is happening. Now imagine a parade or a marathon was to take place, the normal traffic would have to be diverted. People trying to move around the city while those streets have alternate use, must find alternate routes. Decreased activity in the DMN (the main streets) makes way for new neural pathways to emerge through lesser-used connections (alternative routes). This can manifest as a new perspective, increased creativity, self-compassion, forgiveness, inspiration, motivation, and more.

Breakdown to breakthrough

Sounds lovely, right? Well—when the DMN dissolves, the familiar becomes out of reach. And creatures of habit that we are, we cling to our default—even if it’s painful—simply because it’s familiar. When that default slips away, we often experience it not as relief, but as distress.

But that distress isn’t noise. It’s signal. It marks the very boundary of the known. The discomfort is not the obstacle—it’s the doorway.

A recent study published in Nature, examining timestamped psilocybin trip reports from Erowid, suggests a hidden temporal structure in the psychedelic experience. In short: there’s a pattern to the disorientation. It tends to precede resolution. We break down before we break through.

Ayahuasca follows a similar arc. An fMRI study found that ayahuasca reduces DMN activity while activating regions tied to emotion and sensation—helping explain why early nausea or fear isn’t a side effect, but part of the process.

So next time you’re experiencing a challenging come up, let science remind you: Trust the process. We close the busy streets to build a more connected, lively city.

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In nine days, I embark on a pilgrimage of sorts—to the depths of the Brazilian Amazon to sit in dieta (pronounced dyeh-tah) with the Ashaninka tribe: an intense 10-day process where Ayahuasca is likely had every single night, all night. With that, pilgrimage is on my mind.

This won’t be my first or longest departure from 3D life. In 2024, I sat six weeks in complete silence. Prior to that, I took part in numerous vision quests, Vipassana, and other retreats, and have had—and witnessed—many psychedelic journeys, which I believe to be a version of modern pilgrimage.

Below I offer a way to navigate both traditional pilgrimage and psychedelic work as forms of Hero’s Journey.

About Pilgrimage

Modern Western life is largely devoid of pilgrimage, yet pilgrimage is central to nearly every spiritual lineage, faith, and culture around the world. From ancient rituals to contemporary practices, the concept of pilgrimage persists across time and geography.

Universality of Pilgrimage

In Judaism, pilgrimage to Jerusalem during Passover, Shavuot, and Sukkot was once commanded in Torah. Entire communities traveled to the Temple, anchoring faith in movement and shared ritual.

Christian pilgrims have long walked to Jerusalem, Rome, and later Santiago de Compostela, seeking healing, penance, and grace. By the 4th century, pilgrimage had become a practice of spiritual renewal and connection to sacred history.

In Islam, pilgrimage is foundational. The Hajj to Mecca—one of the five pillars—draws millions who retrace the footsteps of Abraham, Hagar, and Ishmael. The journey reenacts the search for water, the sacrifice that wasn’t, and the circling of the Kaaba. It affirms surrender, remembrance, and unity.

Hinduism places pilgrimage (yatra) at its core. Millions journey to sacred rivers, temples, and mountains—from Char Dham to the vast gatherings of Kumbh Mela—for purification and divine encounter.

Buddhists walk to the four sites of the Buddha’s life—Lumbini, Bodh Gaya, Sarnath, and Kushinagar. Tibetan Buddhists, with full-body prostrations, travel to places like Mount Kailash. The journey itself becomes a form of meditation and devotion.

In Japan, Shinto pilgrims walk ancient trails like the Kumano Kodo and visit shrines such as Ise Jingū. The path honors the kami—spiritual forces woven into the land—and affirms harmony with nature.

Sikhs journey to the Golden Temple in Amritsar, centering on prayer, selfless service, and presence with the Guru. Though smaller in global number, the depth of devotion is profound.

Indigenous traditions also carry deep pilgrimage lineages. In Mesoamerica, pilgrims traveled to sites like Teotihuacan to reenact cosmic myths and seek harmony with the divine. In the Andes and beyond, journeys into the mountains offer healing and vision. Across the African continent, pilgrims return to ancestral lands and sacred sites to commune with spirits and honor the dead. Aboriginal Australians walk the songlines—spiritual tracks left by ancestral beings—embodying memory, movement, and land as one.

Many other branches and communities—Sufis, Hasidic Jews, Jain monks, Christian mystics, Daoist seekers—also take up the path, each adding to the long, winding tradition of pilgrimage.

Intro to the Hero’s Journey

The Hero’s Journey is a monomyth introduced by Joseph Campbell that outlines the elements of every hero’s path.

Here’s an illustration of it:

In another life, I wrote and produced a TED talk about The Hero’s Journey—for which I pulled the steps of three very different journeys: The Lion King, Titanic, and Fight Club, demonstrating how they all follow the same 12 steps. You can watch it here: TEDx Talk

Pilgrimage as an Embodied Hero’s Journey

I find that elements of pilgrimage correspond quite neatly with the Hero’s Journey:

1. The Call to Adventure: A pilgrimage is a departure from one’s home and daily life—an adventure.

2. Meeting a Mentor: The pilgrim learns about the pilgrimage from those who took the journey before, from scripture, or by revelation. Pilgrimages often follow celestial calendars, harvest seasons, or spiritual cycles adhering to an order greater than self.

3. Crossing the Threshold: One leaves their home. Unlike metaphorical quests, pilgrimage requires physical movement—whether walking, limping, or being wheeled in.

4. Helpers: Pilgrims must plan for their journey—water, nourishment, accommodation. They may help themselves or rely on resources along the way.

5. Trials and Temptations: By design or circumstance, the pilgrimage strips away some comforts and asks for some abstinence. Sex and alcohol may be forbidden, sleep thins, food may be altered. There is sacrifice in the sacred.

6. Initiation: Often marked by arrival at the destination, the finding of the medicine, or the receiving of guidance.

7. The Return with the Elixir: All pilgrimages end—with the return of the pilgrim to their home. Often, if not always, changed.

Modern-Day Alternatives to traditional pilgrimage

Many pilgriming cultures have lost their pilgrimage paths or faded away altogether. In the absence of pilgrimage, modern-day alternatives have emerged to fill the void—wilderness retreats, long-distance hikes like the Camino de Santiago, immersive rites-of-passage programs, silent meditations including Vipassana and Zen, Burning Man and other outdoor festivals, music tours, vision quests, and psychedelic medicine work are but a few examples.

Psychedelic Work as an Inner Hero’s Journey

Having witnessed thousands of successful psychedelic journeys—and learned of many more—I find that psychedelic work, done right, corresponds quite neatly with the Hero’s Journey, albeit not always in a neat chronological order. (Perhaps Terence McKenna, a pioneer of the psychedelic movement, was already alluding to this analogy when he named a 5-gram dose of mushrooms a ‘heroic dose.’)

1. The Call to Adventure: An altered-state journey is a departure from normal life. One often speaks of a calling toward it—internal or external.

2. Meeting a Mentor: The person follows a teacher, a medicine, or a practice, surrendering to a knowing or a being greater than themselves.

3. Crossing the Threshold: The medicine is consumed and comes on. Consciousness is altered. One is… tripping. They have entered the unknown.

4. Trials and Temptations: In a psychedelic journey, the Default Mode Network becomes undone. I liken it to closing the main streets of a city—those often prone to traffic. While the closed streets are being worked on, those traveling around town are forced to take alternative pathways, marked by heightened activity in other areas.

   This may feel uncomfortable—the first step of a house cleaning may involve noticing how messy it got.

5. Helpers: Helpers may be those holding space for the altered-state experience. Help may be just as well be found in a piece of music or a ray of light, a plant, a memory, or a sense of inner guidance or formless support.

6. Revelation / Transformation: In the absence of the Default Mode Network, other areas of the brain come online. This may be experienced as an aha moment, a letting go, compassion toward self and others, a regained sense of vitality or creativity, a retrieval of a younger part, or a quiet knowing that one is safe, worthy, lovable. This may be ecstatic, subtle, or cathartic. The hero is changed.

7. The Return with the Elixir: Grounding and integration are as important as can be. Herein begins the real work: how does one apply themselves IRL, in a way that is informed by what they have shed, transmuted, gained, or learned?

Here’s hoping the framework above helps travelers better orient throughout their journeys, find solace in the less comfortable parts, and better integrate the elixir they return with—perhaps in service to something greater than themselves.

Safe travels—in 3D and all Ds.

Imagine living in a world where cars are only known as music listening boxes.

Imagine; A world where everyone who owns a vehicle uses it for the sole purpose of listening to music inside it in their driveway. Not one person is aware of cars’ mobility function, let alone has taken their music box for a ride.

Now imagine the first person who got their vehicle to drive. They are so.. moved!

Eagerly, this person rushes to their friends and family to share the news: “YOU GUYS. Our music boxes, they move!”

They go: “What are you talking about? No they don’t.”

He insists: “No they really do. And they go much faster than we can. It is as if they were designed for it”.

The friends push back: “No. We use our music boxes to listen to music. That is they are for. You really should not move your box. This could interfere with your speakers!”

The guy goes on: “These things are MEANT to drive. Why else would they be situated on 4 wheels, have a steering wheel and an engine that can take them places?…”

DMT’s natural production in the brain during birth and near death is like this engine, 4 wheels and steering wheel, pointing to an innate and integral function of our human vehicles to work with altered states, a function that is largely lost (outside of delivery and collection of our vehicles), that is now asking to resurface.

“The day science begins to study non-physical phenomena, it will make more progress in one decade than in all the previous centuries of its existence.”

— Nikola Tesla

Those among us who are called, will be wise under right and safe circumstances, to explore this function.

A not small asterisk

Psychedelics are but one form of altered states and the most advanced beings on this planet are not necessarily the psychonauts. But it is also not for no reason that every lineage under the sun has some ritual with altered states. Find yours.

Safe travels.🚗🚗🚗🎶🎶🎶

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Over the years, I have witnessed and held space in varying capacities to thousands of processes of people ages 9 to 102. In the community I lead many such stories are shared. This is my first go at sharing here one of them.
Alora (her name was changed to protect her identity) is a remarkable young woman whose astonishing story of liberation is one I thought most fitting to start with, especially on the eve of Passover. May all beings be free.

In her words

My name is Alora. I grew up in Brazil and the first 16 years of my life were riddled with trauma.

I have lived through repeated sexual abuse by relatives, I was held at a gun point by an ex boyfriend, was abused by my parents, given up for adoption, was forcibly separated from my my only loving relative, was bullied.. things got so bad that I tried to take my own life.

At 16, in a bid to save my own life, I crossed the border to the US seeking asylum with one of my molesters. We got caught. I was taken to the Icebox and then transferred to a juvenile detention center where I spent over 4 months and where no one spoke Portuguese, leaving me in complete isolation.

A few years ago, I began my healing journey when I landed at a babysitter job with employers who took me in as a family. I started catching up on my education getting high school diploma, began therapy and had a job I loved. But the trauma was always there and my body kept the score.

I began my process with assisted Ketamine therapy. It was the first time I tried psychedelics. The ketamine helped me to disassociate myself from my traumas and I was able to speak with my birth mother for the first time in many years, but after 5 sessions the last ketamine treatment actually threw me into a dark place and I wasn’t ready to unpack my traumas. I had to go back on anti psychotic meds.

That is when my soul mama who is a psychiatrist and a psychedelics practitioner herself introduced me to Osher.

I began microdosing 42, then I attended JoyFest at the end of September 2023 which was a mEcro experience, and three months later, I had a 1:1 with Osher.

That day, I experienced a rebirth, and since then, my life has undergone numerous changes. The ceremony was a pivotal reason for this transformation. My life has changed so much that it's hard to describe. There are moments of uncertainty, but I always remind myself of the importance of being present. I'm achieving many goals, and the best part is knowing that this is part of my journey, and I choose this transformation. I am fortunate to have the support of my chosen family.

Since my 42 1:1 ceremony, so much has happened. I can’t believe it’s been 15 months since my rebirth. In these 15 months, I have experienced such a transformation and have slowly made all my dreams come true.

So, first things first, I was able to finish my undergrad and start grad school at an Ivy League school, majoring in Social Work.

Second, I got a fresh start with the support of my bonus family, whose last name I legally took as my own. I’ve always struggled to let my guard down, but slowly, they made their way into my life, and I surprised them by taking their last name (that wasn’t so slow 🫣). I had the support of some great people, some of whom are part of this amazing community.

Last but not least, last month, I was nominated by the National Association of Social Workers (NASW), NY State and NYC Council, as Student of the Year. Ten years ago, I never dared to dream of getting a high school diploma.

This year I present at two conferences related to advocacy for refugee children. For the 42nd annual conference for BPD in Las Vegas I was presenter number 42, which seems very synchronous given the effect 42 had on my life.

I’m becoming the change I want to see in this world. But that doesn’t mean it has only been butterflies and happy moments. Working on myself is more difficult than any of my awards or achievements. It is a tough path, as we are not always ready to understand things like “we can’t change our past”, but we gain so much wisdom through our experiences and we can't take it for granted. We need to have compassion and empathy for ourselves (I’m still working on it).

42’s integration support therapist has helped me so much through this journey, and slowly, I’m working on myself.

Life extends far beyond what we dare to dream. I look forward to a life of service. I know my pain was not in vain.

Thank you for reading. Please feel free to ask Osher for my contact details if you wish to connect directly.

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